becoming a jewel

I really appreciate when people take time out of their day to invest in the lives of others. I especially appreciate when I am on the receiving end of some of this “loving” and receive an e-mail, a letter, or a quick little note, just expressing that someone, somewhere for whatever reason is glad I am alive, believes in me, and mostly, loves me. Reflecting on an e-mail I received the other day from my dear sister Aisha, I feel both encouraged and blessed.

She shared something she had learned recently in a book she was reading about jewels. Perhaps I assumed, like many people, that the process for creating jewels is rather uncomplicated. Apparently, I was wrong. The process of a jewel’s creation is hard work, requiring much sifting and chipping away so it may glimmer and shine brilliantly as a true gem. This is important because all jewels begin as plain ol’ rocks. There’s nothing particularly special about them other than the fact that they need an awful lot of work done to them to work them into the jewel they were always meant to be.

Aisha shared with me that for a plain ol’ rock to become a jewel it involves a rather grueling process of being tested and lashed by the elements. It must endure winds, rains, fire, chipping away, and so much more so it may be slashed, tossed, and turned, eventually becoming a brilliant jewel! When I put this together with the sometimes grueling process of becoming more like Christ, I realize how greatly we are in need of God’s grace and how very thankful I am for His chipping away on me to become His masterpiece!

We too are like precious jewels before the King of Kings. He deserves nothing but the best, and yet He still chooses plain ol’ rocks to be tested, tried, worked on, and loved on – so He can watch as they become the brilliant jewels He created them to be – to break free of their plain ol’ rocky selves. The logic behind this whole process ties in wonderfully with where I feel I am at in this season and journey of life: internship. Concerning fire, it was 103 boiling degrees outside today – so the Lord is certainly testing me by bringing on the head. My heart too is being stretched to love in new capacities I never imagined possible before.

When I put this together with everything I am learning and enduring, I see the hope and the growth present in my life. I recognize how there is still much work to be done on me – much more tossing and turning on the jagged rocks around me and enduring the elements – so I may be stripped of my rocky self and made into the brilliant, beautiful, lively jewel the King desires me to be – that I may reflect His Majesty!

lovin' for real

Mother Theresa said, “Intense love does not measure – it just gives!” I think this really hard to comprehend and yet I am faced with situations every day that call me to choose to love like this – to love like Christ. I know God doesn’t give us spankings, but He sure does give us a good thump or two once in awhile with His word – and depending on our stubbornness we may get a little boot in the rump too. This is important because I find it necessary to be constantly reminded just how imperfect I really am, and how blessed I am to bare the mark of God’s grace upon my heart.

I think one of the hardest things about desiring to love intensely, without measuring is that we want to protect it, to guide it, to make sure it gets where it is supposed to be going without any bumps and bruises along the way, when in reality – I am an imperfect person and therefore, my love is not perfect love. Christ’s love is though – and “perfect love casts out all fear”. I relate this thought to yet another statement I heard the other day, “Don’t love cautiously. Love extravagantly!” Wow!

One of the hardest things for me to swallow lately has been realizing that I have a whole lot of people in my life who do not necessarily “measure” up in loving me – and that hurts, a lot actually. Some people do a real crummy job loving on those they care most about. I relate this thought to something I learned in PLC. Prez often reminded us, “If you love greatly – you can hurt greatly”. This reminder has been stamped on my heart – and even though I understand the consequences of loving greatly, my heart has also come to understand that aching greatly is not always fun, but it is remarkably beautiful!

In Family Life Ministry last semester Pastor Elliott astounded me week after week with facts and statistics about the makeup and general wellbeing of family in our world today. To be rather blunt, “family these days ain’t all it’s cracked up to be” and in many cases, it just plain ol’ stinks. I realized the need for me to really LOVE my CITs because a lot of them do not see nor receive Christ-like love through their “families”.

Yesterday my teens said, “Miss Christy, why are you so patient with us? If I were you, I would be screaming my head off at us.” I realized I do not need to yell or scream at these teens, even though they do a pretty crummy job of listening to anything and everything I say or ask of them. My perception is pretty one-sided because I only see them during the day, and perhaps these kids already have enough people to yell at them in their lives. The principle involved here was one of patience, yes, but underneath, I also think I am learning to really love. I am far from perfect in this, but I have freedom in expressing myself so as not to hurt or wound those I am expressing myself toward.

Dr. Maurice Watson, the senior pastor at the Beulahland Bible Church I have begun attending said something to the effect of this in his sermon on Sunday concerning the words we speak, “Listen child of God, the English language is broad enough for you to express yourself - even when you’re angry, without any need for vulgarity or insult to enter the mix”. My reaction to this is simply shouting “TRUTH!” just like we do in Personal Evangelism with Mike MacNeil when someone accepts Christ in their lives, “TRUTH!”

unity in the body of Christ

For a long span of time I have felt ‘out of place’ or like an outsider. I was emotionally drained from “church hopping” for the last two and a half years. Being at school and a member of ministry teams allowed me to be exposed to a vast array of churches, but it also gave me an opportunity to analyze and to heart-critique the environments I was choosing to worship in. After a whole lot of frustration, tears, anger, attitude, and careful thought I began to develop deep in my heart a core set of truths which, when not present in a worship service, I find my heart grieved. It has been a long time since I attended a church service and saw people come forward to accept Jesus in their hearts, trusting He will change them and bring LIFE to their being.

When I was first preparing to move to Macon for my internship I began to search for churches on the internet. Despite all the hurt and frustration the organization and institution of “church” has caused me over the last few years, I still realize the great importance in being connected with the Body of Christ. This does not mean I find it necessary to be connected to a building, nor am I an advocate of rules, planned services, and structure.

While I understand the necessity of these things, within reason, I also believe in balance, and freedom. I am a huge fan of freedom, and when it comes to worshipping the Lord, I am all about freedom. My perception of worship has led me to believe that we are to worship in *Spirit* and in *Truth*. In my searches, I came across Beulahland Bible Church. After searching their website, I assumed this church may be some sort of mega church and I wasn't overly impressed nor tugged to pursue attending or discovering what the Lord may have for me there.

Yesterday I went to Beulahland Bible Church and the presence of the Holy Spirit was so sweet and thick, and welcome that I began to weep. My heart was being restored and refreshed with each breath I took. My roommate Sarah visited me for the weekend and we stood, swaying and clapping, smiling, and weeping in the presence of the Lord, as the only two white people in the building.

In a sea of beautiful black and brown I felt sense of home unlike anything I have felt at church in a very long time. This was important because the Lord began to speak healing, peace, and rest in my heart. I was emotionally overwhelmed, humbled, broken, and restored so my cup was overflowing with the sweetness of the Holy Spirit. The people in this church communicated a deep desire to meet with God, and to be united as one.

I related this to something I have been reading in my morning devotions over the last week about the church community/body of believers in Acts, who we are told were “one in mind and spirit”. When prayer time came in the service, we were instructed to take the hands of those beside us. As I looked across the church, row after row, person after person was connected to their neighbor in a beautiful display of love and honor for the Lord. We all prayed together, as a “body of believers” holding hands, and holding one another up, though we were all bent beneath different loads of craziness. This revealed true unity to my heart and showed me what it is I have been so earnestly searching for. I plan on attending this church in the future and getting involved.

I noticed the pastor’s care in delivering solid Biblical truth and was appreciative of his message. The Lord spoke through this stranger of a man, in a beautiful place of worship and openness to the Spirit to my heart; so much so, that I felt led to share a portion of the message principles with my CIT group this morning during my teaching time. The logic behind this involved the intention of solidifying what I heard yesterday in my life and heart so I may live up to a higher standard of holiness before God that points others to Him and gives Him all glory, honor, and praise. This is important because I must practice the truth I speak and teach others, in order that I may live it fully, understand it, accept it, and grow in it. God is faithful!

really letting go

I was reminded today that I cannot change people. I cannot make people fall in love with Christ, and I certainly cannot make people experience a deep sense of God’s love. The only things I can do are to rest – in Christ, and trust as He molds, breaks, mends, and fashions me more into His likeness, that I will point others to His healing strong right hand. The only hand capable of upholding us in times of struggle, grief, sorrow, pain, joy, praise, everything! I can only strive to look “more like my Daddy” in Heaven, and be held accountable for how I choose to spend and distribute my time, energy, resources, and affections.

The Bible is clear in giving us the appropriate focus of where our minds and hearts should be. 1 John 5:21 says, “Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts”. Proverbs 4:23 echoes this plea urging us, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course off your life”. Reflecting on these verses in Scripture, I am reminded how the Lord often reminds me of the importance of loving Him above all else. Many of us in the world struggle to love, with all of ourselves, the very God who gave His life for us. For me! I am so unworthy of such a beloved, selfless gift of Love! True, real love!

This was an important realization for me because I also recognize how greatly I desire to share this love with others and how important it is that I take action sharing it. Atlantic, a band of worshipers and dear brothers in Christ, recorded a song on their worship album in which the lyrics powerfully proclaim the deep aching desire of my heart for the Lord and to live for Him alone, “All I am, for all You are – nothing else can satisfy God, all I am, for all You are, nothing else can satisfy God...”. Nothing else, but all of us satisfies this all-powerful, loving, jealous God. Nothing!! I want SO badly for young people, this generation, my generation, to behold and embrace this truth! My heart and my flesh cry out – for the Living God!

I noticed an intense desire and drive this morning in my heart as I led my CIT leadership group in a time of quiet, reflective, creative worship. We set up our classroom to be an environment that was rather peaceful and I played music softly in the background to help the teens feel less awkward about writing, drawing, praying, meeting and communing with God. I assumed this would be a difficult challenge for several persons in my group and I found my perception to be correct, however, I also assumed at one point that no one was really getting out of this experience, what I felt they should be. That’s when God clunked me on the head and reminded me, “Christy, you cannot make people love Me”. Ouch!

The logic behind this is simple: I can’t – that’s the truth! I was emotionally a little distraught, humbled, and peacefully assured, all at the same time. We shared a discussion time following our quiet time and with the exception of two teens, I received very positive feedback. They all desired to share this experience again. They communicated an interest in different ways of worshipping God and expressed their thankfulness for peace and quiet to think about God and to just “be”. I hate how the enemy can cause disappointing, distracting thoughts in our minds.

I assumed, from the outside that nothing was happening in their hearts – that they maybe even thought I was foolish for ever making them participate in such a “boring activity” – but once again, I was wrong, and God’s Spirit, I trust and know is working in the deepest chambers of their hearts, on a level I have no ability nor right to perceive – and that is what matters. It’s not me, not my feelings, not even my ability to please or get through to the group – all that matters is Christ’s love for them and their journey in learning to accept it and live as children who know the Father’s love – deeply! I still have a LOT of growing to do – but AMEN for that and PRAISE be to God who patiently walks with me directing me along His path – baby step by baby step.

visiting great gram

On our way down to Georgia we stopped into Great Gram's nursing home to visit her.
What a beautiful, sweet lady she is. She is turning 90 in October!
I'd missed her a lot and haven't seen her in a few years - though her mind and hearing are a little weak and weary at times - she is still quite the little story teller with a whole lot of love bubbling in her heart!

I was reminded as we visited how important it is to stay in touch with our loved ones. People are of greatest value - each one unique in their own way. We should choose to willingly love one another without an agenda and to embrace the blessed opportunities we are given to invest in the lives of those around us - we never know when or if these opportunities will come again!

A Glimpse of Internship (Reflection #1)

Welcome to Hephzibah Ministries! This is my home in Georgia for the next 6 months! This is the sign by the road that welcomes everyone to the Hephzibah campus. Nestled a small, yet quaint way back in the woods, this spot is a quiet, sunshiny, and beautiful spot for the community and residential outreach Hephzibah does.Here is a glimpse of where I am living on this internship adventure!


This is the gymnasium at Hephzibah where the Camp Pathway office is located as well as an indoor pool, gymnasium and mini-theatre. We have spent a lot of time in this facility for training and preparing for camp thus far.


Here is our Camp Pathway sign - many of these are posted along the roadway leading up to the heart of Hephzibah's campus to direct campers to our day-camp programming.


Random number? Nah just a caution and reminder to GO SLOW...there are children around. These comical, yet serious speed limit signs marked 17 mph are legitimate and posted all along the roadway at Hephzibah. As a result of people's tendency to go WAY too fast, there have also been speed bumps added today to ensure people take the 17 mph warning seriously!


This is the dining hall where we eat the large majority of our meals with residents before or after our workday activities.


Here is one of the street signs on campus. All the roads have cute, kid friendly names reminding us that we are at a ministry facility aimed at ministering to the hearts of children.


This is House 105 where I reside at Hephzibah along with 6 other ladies who are working for the summer. Beautiful, eh?


Here is our large kitchen where we cook together on the weekends.
This place is a good reminder of home!


Here is our upstairs living room where we sometimes sit together and watch "chick flicks" or favorite old Disney movies on the first televisions ever invented (we're not really sure about this, but it is really old!).


Here is my bedroom where I catch beauty sleep each night and work on projects for internship! Each of the girls in our house has their own room, with the exception of two who share.


This is our bathroom...as you may notice there are urinals in the background. This is rather comical for a house full of girls. However, we are living in what used to be the Junior Boys home. However, the state ruled that children under the age of 13 are no longer allowed to live in group home settings, so Hephzibah is now only able to facilitate housing for 13-18 year olds and college age independent students.


This is me playing the piano in our living room. I've been practicing all Mrs. Klob taught me last semester and enjoyed some wonderful worship times in the quietness of our living room. My piano skills are increasing and so is my heart for leading worship. This piano, though it carries nearly a third of sticky keys has been a giant blessing for me. It's how I unwind or just think from a long day.


This is Mrs. Charlane (my supervisor) and myself. She is a wonderful woman of God with a passionate heart for the work of the Kingdom.


Here is a picture from the Whistle Stop Cafe in Juliette Georgia (home of the movie set Fried Green Tomatoes). Some of the people I am working with this summer are in the photo enjoying fried green tomatoes n' sweet tea.

spotting the snakes

Yesterday we got a tour of the wooded nature trails and I learned perhaps one of the most valuable pieces of information thus far in my “beware of creepy critters” file in my mind: the obvious difference between poisonous and non-poisonous snakes. The difference lies in the shape of their head.

It is rather comical to consider that non-poisonous snakes are rather plain in color and tend to blend in with their surroundings. They have a round shaped head that follows the contour of their body and do not change shape as they slither around on the ground. The poisonous snakes however, have a diamond shaped head, and tend to attract great curiosity. They may have pretty skin-tones (copperhead) or make inviting noises (rattlers), and yet their bite may be lethal, especially babies because their venom is so potent.

As I consider and reflect upon this nature lesson from a distance, my mind has begun to relate the nature and makeup of these poisonous and non-poisonous snakes to people we encounter in our lives each day. It is easy most of the time for us to recognize plain ol’ snakes and to shoo them away, to flick them off the trail we are so obediently walking on. However, it is not only difficult to handle the poisonous ones. We sometimes lose sight of the lethality of their bite and perhaps even compromise our caution in trying to “handle” them in a situation.

The charm and fright of the noise they produce, the colors of their skin, or maybe even the thrill of exploring just a “little bit” off the trail tend to distract us just long enough to be struck. James chapter 3 speaks about the tongue being “filled with deadly poison”. Likewise, so are some of the “snakes” we allow into our lives without a second thought. They represent the “snakes” that distract or lure us off the safety of the trail. I want to be vigilant and wise in steering clear of the poisonous snakes that try to lure me off the correct pathway. I am reminded that the only way I can accomplish this is by resting in, trusting, and relying upon the Word.

unexpected friendly company

Just over a week ago, I arrived in Macon, Georgia with my parents, ready to explore where I will be living for the next six months. The week flew by complete with three days of intensive life guarding and First Aid/CPR training. As Sunday rolled around I was ready for some rest. Some of the residents invited me and a few of my housemates to attend church with them about ten minutes away from the facility. This was a good opportunity to reconnect in the body of Christ and to worship the Lord freely. I was reminded however, that big lights and distracting movements are rather unappealing when one leads worship, and that it is not a matter of how giant the stage, nor how grand the decorations or marvelous the facility, but it is Christ alive in us, in our hearts, and the grandness of His presence beating, breathing, and overflowing in and through our lives.

Later Sunday evening we were invited to the Macon Wesleyan Church to share in fellowship at a church barbeque. The closeness and intimacy of this small group of people blessed my heart. Their warm smiles and openness in conversation helped me flee from any temptation to be shy in a new environment. Matt, one of our staff leaders gave us a tour of some of the beautiful neighborhoods around us and I was captivated by the glory and beauty of God in the Georgia landscape as the sun closed on a rather intense and busy week.

Memorial Day for me marked the official start and beginning of my internship journey. Today was a good day for reflection and rest as we prepare for yet another intense week of staff training beginning tomorrow morning bright n’ early at 8:00am. My supervisor visited our house tonight to meet with myself and the other six girls who I will be living with this summer at Hephzibah. We were reminded that we are to set an example for the residents here and what is expected of us this summer as camp-staff and young adult representatives of Christ. It felt good to finally connect as an entire group and to gauge the dynamics of what our living arrangement for the summer has in store.

I spent the better part of the morning at the health clinic down the road waiting to be seen for swimmer’s ear. I woke up knowing that I had likely developed swimmer’s ear from all our rescuing and time spent in the pool last week during lifeguard training. However, the Lord is always faithful in providing divine appointments when we least expect them. Busily reading a book for internship Mrs. Charlane assigned to me, I sat, ear throbbing, only to be greeted by the pleasant smile of an older woman. She inquired about whether or not my book was Christian and I told her it was written from a Christian perspective and then shared with her my love for the Lord only to watch as her husbands grin grew larger and deeper into his face. This was a bit of a challenge for me to speak about the Lord in a hospital clinic, but my heart felt at rest and overjoyed at the opportunity. They in turn shared their love for Jesus as well and we spent the next two hours in conversation (though they did most of the talking) as we waited.

What amazed me most about this couple was their shamelessness and passion for Christ. Their lives of devotion and loyalty were evident as they spoke and interacted with people at the clinic. I soon learned that The Popes celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary just a few days ago and they were quick to share with me the testimony of God’s blessings in their lives over their lifetime. Just as they are dedicated to one another, they are seemingly also dedicated to the Lord. Sometimes being sick can be a drag, but I know the Lord showed His purpose in this visit.
I hope and pray to one day share a devoted life of love and service to Christ with whoever my future husband may be. In the meantime, I hope to be empowered by the Lord to have many more conversations and divine appointments with the people in Macon, GA about the love of Jesus Christ. After all, this is what life is truly ALL about!

transitioning and preparing

I became a lifeguard this week.
We had a few days of intense training - and fun staff bonding.
Staff training for camp and our summer preparation will be in full swing this week.
I'm excited to see what God has in store for this next season of internship.
I'm blown away by His daily faithfulness and outpouring of love.
Developed swimmer's ear and had to get some ear drops today at the clinic.
Met an older couple who, this week, celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary.
It blows me away how people can spend an entire *lifetime* together.
I hope one day to love like this - to share a life for the glory of God.
I trust that though I don't know who "he" is yet, that God is right now raising up and preparing a wonderful, faithful, strong, and consistent man of God to be my husband - who values purity, lives with Christ at the center of all he does and thinks, and whose character is a reflection of the Lord.

I'll update later on this week about intern adventures.
I appreciate your prayers and thoughts! God bless!

Welcome to Macon, Georgia

This afternoon we (mom, dad, and I) arrived in Macon, GA...to begin the first leg of this new journey: internship. On Wednesday, Mom and Dad will return to the chilly county of Aroostook in Northern Maine, lucky them!

Complete with sunshine, a warm breeze, and beautiful budding magnolias, we felt very welcomed by the southern charm of the residents and peacefulness of this countryside. We've done a little exploring around the area and I'm excited to see what God has planned for me here over these next 6 1/2 months.

Stay tuned for more updates on this season of life and some pictures to show you what this place is all about!

laugh out loud

Running errands for my dad yesterday afternoon led me to Walmart - as I was checking out with some groceries I glanced to my right and behold I saw something quite comical - there in a cart piled high in every direction, angle and pocket of space in the cart sat a little toddler. This little blonde girl wearing a bright pink dress sat patiently playing with groceries that were not only packed all around and aboveher, but were packed beside, behind, etc. It was hilarious. This little girl actually looked like a grocery. It was a picture perfect moment, I wish I'd had my camera, but this is my best attempt at drawing what I saw:

inspiration

I was sitting at my computer tonight and the Lord led me to review my blogs from December of last year. I found this post here (12/8/08) and it ministered greatly to my heart...I felt that for some reason it needed to be published a second time. May the Lord speak also to your hearts as you read:

What inspires you?
What touches the very depths of your heart?
Is it new life? the passing of old?
What about triumph? trials? failure?
Perhaps success? romance? love and kindness?
What about breath? life? awakening each morning?

So much is set before us that may liven our hearts
yet so often we miss it.
We trudge our way through the dance of our day,
never once caring to lift our foot from its sorry place,
never once giggling and delighting in an unexpected twirl.
We moan and groan, complain, and hope for the next day,
while the present still remains.
Our hearts are walled in with schedules, agendas, meetings,
and selfish plans...we silence the laughter...
we silence the dance...we silence the silliness and freedom...
sometimes we silence the King.

I know I made it through my day,
What a bles-sed day it was...
but I'm far too tired to spend time now with You Lord, just because.
Priorities, priorities, where are your priorities?
Does the Word gather dust while your tv glimmers and shines?
Does the Word disappear along the shelf as your photos pollute its view?
Does your prayer time shorten and shorten on behalf of that ringing tone?
A text, a message, a call for sure...from that lovely one that you adore.

"My child, my child...why won't you hear me?
Come beloved, I long to meet with you.
Stop honoring me with your mouth - while your heart is far from me.
Stop going through the motions, you mean more than that to me.
I created you with purpose...not to make it or scrape by...
I created you for excellence - come beloved don't be shy.
My plans for you are good and great, if only you will hear.
Silence those silly idol distractions, set your eyes upon this prize.
I want your heart, your life, your everything - more than I want
your habits and rituals. Come, beloved, come! Let me be your inspiration!
Let me be your life!"

relationship

The concept of "relationship" has been a running theme over the last year or so in my life - a concept which I have thought over, chewed on, brainstormed, resented, enjoyed, appreciated, feared, run from, and embraced. Recently I've been exposed through the news, television, and various magazine articles to the reality of poor relationship in our world and reminded about just how real this issue is.

Yesterday I realized how much help people need in "real" relationship. We so often fail at keeping it pure - so miserably so that no one even dares to do it right. No one seems to know how. We've told ourselves, convinced ourselves into this mechanical way of operating with one another. Most times it's not relationship at all...it's mere acquaintanceship or simply knowing the right people because you have to or need to in order to achieve something. Since when have people ever legitimately been rightly considered as pons opposed to persons?

There's always some sort of twist, some distraction, perversion, agenda, or false thinking that gets in the way. Assumptions rot at the heart like some deadly sickness but are contagious at first glance. They feed on the mind, body & general well being of the assumer until they are entirely preoccupied with themselves, with this sickness, their assumptions and they no longer find it of any value to purely pursue and seek appropriate boundaries within the scope of relationship.

Relationship becomes a matter of 'yeh or neh', 'go or stay'. No one is privileged nor permitted to simply "be". What a terrible sickness - this plaque of the heart - soot of the mind sort of thing. If only we could fully, unmistakeably embrace our roles as male & female in accordance with the great Creator's original design - rather than aligning ourselves with selfish fantasies and naive expectations in life - to LIVE in relationship with others as a direct overflow of our devoted relationship with Him.

...Father teach us how to Love like You...
......... teach us to walk in relationship with You...
.................. to be as You would have us be...
.................. to honor You in our words, thoughts & actions...
.................. to keep You at the center of our relationships...
.................. ALWAYS!

a cycle of breath

breathing slowly
hoping
waiting
breathing stillness
waiting
silence
open
broken
wonder
loss
breathing hard
fury
fear
confusion
doubt
frustration
annoyance
insecurity
adrenaline
fast
hard
nerves
anxiety
growing
oppressing
screaming
crying
breaking
breathing deepness
broken
silence
thinking
wonder
hoping
waiting
freedom
breathing slowly
waiting
resting
hoping
crying
weeping
panting
hungering
thirsting
breathing, breathing, breathing...

beautiful broken footsies

Two weeks ago I prayed for brokenness.
Almost two weeks ago (Thursday) I was running down the soccer field when my foot gave out on me. In an instant, a squish/pop/crackle/ick noise resounded all around me. I didn't claim it at first, I had to complete the play. Kicking the ball my foot flubbed (strange I thought to myself) - completing my stride I landed on my right foot. (OOEEEEKKKKKKKK! I think that gross noise was my foot.)

(ut oh, oh no, ut oh, on no I repeated under my breath the whole way off the field.)
No one took notice.
I hobbled away for help.
A friend came running and knew I was hurting.
I did not cry - I did not flinch.
My foot felt like mush and my heart was annoyed.
(Why now, huh? Why now? I'm SO SICk and tired of being sick! I just want to be healthy again!)

For the last three years of being at Bethany I've struggled with my health.
Sickness after injury, after sickness, after injury. It seems like the cycle never ends. It's weary, frustrating, and so full of praise and battle. God's breathed healing into my life many times and He's been more than faithful - and still I keep getting tested.

Two weeks ago was the beginning of my breaking point.
My feet have had a running tabulation of injuries, random ones over the last 2 years -- and one thing that resounds in my heart everytime is this: "how beautiful are the feet that bring the Good News"...
I'll tell you what, I don't feel like my feet are particularly beautiful when I can't walk on them, when they're swollen, bruised, blistered, beaten, weak, incapable of supporting me, stiff, or even broken.
Yet somehow...I feel like they're being prepared - being strengthened through this brokenness - being stretched through these periods of bruising.

I was in St. John last Thursday preparing to get my half-cast removed and a full cast secured on my once strong foot. (Another fun thing about these injuries is they rotate feet - nice, eh?)Waiting, waiting and waiting was followed by more waiting. It seemed like no one was willing to help me because I didn't have a hunk of cash to place in their hands. After skuddling around for over an hour with my insurance information - and making me 1 1/2 hours late for my appointment I was 20 minutes early to - I was signing paperwork to be seen by the doctor. Numerous apologies were being given - but in that hour of waiting I hit rock bottom.

I was broken at my core.
Hopeless almost - yet barely hanging on.
I knew there was Hope present - I was blinded to seeing it.
I knew there was Hope in the Healer - I was too weak to ask.
Yet as I crutched my way into the examination room - no wait necessary (to make up for the complications earlier) I sat on that table and thought - finally- I finally made it.

My friend prayed deep in her heart that this trip would not be in vain.
She prayed for Healing.
As they went to remove my half cast I started to help the guy unwrap the bandages - he looked me right in the eyes and said, "what are ya doing that for? let me cut it off, eh! You don't plan on keepin it for something do ya?"
I chuckled to myself, "No sir, I don't plan on keeping it...go for it."
The ties to this cast were severed and cut to bits.
I was able to wiggle my toes now - something I hadn't done in a week - and the purple tint and swelling had vanished from the time of our arrival.
The doctor decided I didn't need a cast because it would be a nuisance more than anything and that I should slowly work on applying weight and pressure to it.
I spent the next few days "weaning" off crutches.
It's hard for me to take it easy - but now I can walk with a bit of a hobble in my step.
There's still a significant amount of pain and soreness - yet I know my God is faithful. I can walk again. He picked me up in my brokenness and "set my feet to walking".

I've never cried so much - and wept in my life as I did during that week.
I've never felt more unable to express myself...
More incompetent - worthless- helpless- broken...

Praise God for stretching us...even the biggest, toughest muscles of all - like the heart! He is good!

a special kind of love

Love.
It's what we were created to do.
We were fashioned in love.
Created in love.
Molded together in love.
Growing in love.
Breathing in love.
Yet somehow, though it's all around us- not often does one find a special kind of love.
What sort of love am I raving about now, you might ask?

I had an accident this week.
An unfortunate accident at that.
Running down the soccer field, I took one perfect step that dealt me my fate.
The squishing, and strange pop I heard made my stomach churn.
Not sure of it's source, I kicked the ball - watching my foot flounder and landing, only to realize I couldn't bare weight on my foot at all.
"ut oh, that noise was my foot" I soon realized.
Too in shock to cry - the pain was deep and welling inside.
Thankfully, God sent friends to love me along the way - friends who gave up fun games and study time to sit at the ER with me.
So I truly believe I've seen this special kind of love in action A LOT these last few days. How you might ask? What is this special love?

It's the kind of love that carries you on its back up endless flights of stairs because you couldn't possibly manage to walk.
It's the kind of love that colors you pictures or sends a note just to say hey.
It's the kind of love that teaches you theology you'd never understand any other way.
It's the kind of love that smiles at you and says, "Hey pretty lady, can I take your crutch?"
It's the kind of love that winks at you just to let you know they're watching.
It's the kind of love that walks with you, talks with you, and stays the night just in case you need anything.
It's the kind of love that makes you laugh - lots - deep deep inside.
It's the kind of love that gives nicknames like "hop-a-long".
It's the kind of love that wipes your tears when you're too weak not to cry.
It's the kind of love that makes you see Jesus shining on someone's face!
It's the kind of love that reflects the King and His heart - the example of His love for us in action - friend to friend - one to another.

My heart has been blessed by this love and I hope only to love the same in return.

what I like about daffodils

they're yellow - bright - cheerful
they have a hollow tube-like stem
they resemble a star - or burst of yellow liveliness
they are some of the first signs of life in spring time
they represent new beginnings and fresh seasons

a friend picked me a flower today.
I love flowers.
it was a daffodil.
it was a rainy day.
the sun fought to show its brilliance at different times
a friend brought me a flower and it made me smile
my journey is "finishing" and a new is emerging here at BBC.
I cried as I clutched the daffodil in thought
the fragrance of spring now rested in my hand
What's next Lord, I dared to ask...
"rest beloved...I'm working my plan!"

fighting tears and laughter and smiles and such,
I remembered again how I love this friend much!

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want...
He leadeth me beside still waters...
and maketh me to lie down in green pastures...
he hast prepared for me a table in the presence of mine enemies...
I will fear no evil, for He is with me...
my cup overflows...
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me...
all the days of my life...
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord...forever!"

laughter and tears

There is something remarkably cleansing about laughing.
For example today - something struck me funny and I chuckled, then I got a laugh feeling in my tummy and chest I couldn't help and I kept laughing for a good five minutes- until I didn't even know what I was laughing about...but it was good, refreshing, hearty, and elating.

Lately that's all I do...laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry.
Sometimes if things are really crazy, both happen simultaneously.
Yet somehow in the midst of a lot of "stuff" going on...
I am constantly reminded that I serve a God who is worthy of worship.
Despite circumstances, in every season He is still God.
He is still loving, gracious, and He will withhold no good thing from those He loves.
This mode of thinking doesn't mean we always agree with God's definition of what is good for those He loves, but it is solid truth.

A lot of change is going on in my heart, mind, spirit, and relationships all around me.God has blessed me over the last few days to grieve with and love on several of His children. I sense a closeness with the Body of Christ, a clinging in desperation from some of my brothers and sisters like they're clutching to the side of a lifeboat and waiting to be pulled in. Some are tempted to let go and drown, others are fiercely kicking and screaming so much, they are complicating the process of bring pulled into the boat and others whom the scales have been removed from their eyes are fighting against the current and monstrous waves while trusting the arm on the other side will not fail them. They realize it's time to grab a hold by faith and get out of the tumultuous waves.

It's moments of realization and victory that I celebrate and rejoice in. My heart both weeps and joys in yet another heart released from the bondage of the sea. Perhaps the most obvious lesson and realization for me to gather from this process is just that - it is a process - sometimes a long one- and rarely is it easy - sometimes it is frustrating - sometimes it is annoying - sometimes it feels hardly worth it - it's a fight - it's a battle - it's a full out war...but it's worth it! The heart condition of our brothers and sisters is worth every bit of mental tiredness, bumps and bruises we acquire along the way. For we minister "not by might, nor by power, but by God's Spirit".

My heart longs to see God's people pursue Him with a holiness and righteousness that is pure, reckless, relentless, abandoned to Him alone. Lord have your way in our hearts! Move among us - call us to a place where all we have and need is You!

Mission's Week Monologue

Zachary Armand, one of my good brother-friends in Christ asked me to do a little creative writing for Mission's Week here on campus. When I started to consider what to do in light of missions, this is what came from my heart. This is a monologue that reflects the preparation stages of going on a mission's trip for 2 years (reflective of the 2+U movement), followed by thoughts while there, and closes with a second letter from the country. When I read this the Tuesday night of missions week in the chapel, no one budged...it was sheer silence as people thought. This blessed me very much. I pray your hearts are blessed as you read!

Missions Week Monologue – Bethany Bible College 2009
By: Christy L. Zbylut

Scene #1

I never thought this day would come. I’ve never been one to make hasty decisions and I know this journey has been in the making from the very beginning of my life. I never knew that committing my life to do God’s work would cost quite so much. I have laid aside dream after dream over the past few years only to find, they weren’t dreams at all. The funniest thing is, that as I have been obedient in turning over my dreams to Him, God has knit new dreams deep in the very core of my heart and soul. I long for and crave His presence - I desire nothing more that to live for God in everything I do. Such freedom met my heart when I gave EVERY comfortable thing in my life to Him. How could I ever live another way when I have tasted and seen the goodness of our God in response to obedience?

Blessed are these days to come - these days of hoping, waiting, learning, and loving. I am terrified about leaving, but I know I have no choice - for to disobey my God would be to forsake all that is within me. “To live is Christ and to die is gain!”

It’s tough to know what to pack when you are giving your life to go somewhere for two years - not fully aware if you’ll ever come back. Missionary work doesn’t really seem to come with a manual...so much of me desires to sell everything I own and just GO....now that I’m going I realize how wonderful this concept is - to live a live in reckless abandon to my King. God...to you be the glory! My life is in Your hands...

Scene #2

Beloved Family,

A cruel harshness has settled upon this land. I fee as though the enemy himself has taken up residence in the government. Weary faces plague the street - anxiously I search to find even one sign of LIFE. The eyes of the people are plain and distant - how I long to see a light revived in them that has now been consumed with darkness.

Things are not as I expected them to be - when I arrived there was great unrest in the city. Rebel soldiers are constantly on the watch and I have been informed that having a white woman in the village only adds to the stress. Though we cannot yet speak, my heart grows fonder of these people each day. Truly God longs for their souls to dwell with Him in eternity - but such hurt, loss, anger and loneliness have blinded them to the truth.

Years of turmoil have ravaged this country. For the safety of my hosts I cannot inform you of whom I am staying with. Please be in prayer for my original host family - their boldness on my behalf and for the sake of God’s glory have shaken my heart.

Just prior to my arrival, my intended hosts had their home raided by rebels looking for ‘the white woman’. A neighbor saw this take place and hurried to intersect my journey to the village. My hosts and their three little boys refused to reveal when or where I’d be arriving. This angered the rebels - and though I’d love to spare your hearts from the knowledge of such gruesome behaviors as those found in this country - I cannot - for I long for you to understand the power of our great God in the midst of the most painful of circumstances. I also long for you to know His love at greater depth than ever before - to know WHY we are to serve Him in JOY and PAIN.

My hosts were beaten by the rebels, their home was plundered and the man was taken by the rebels for further interrogation. Their neighbor helped me find a cousin of his - who agreed to care for me just outside the city. Sometimes I wonder if these people are crazy or not, risking their very lives to save mine - and all because we love Christ and the government does not. I feel so unworthy of being here - but I trust God has a purpose in my going and a purpose in my coming - for this reason I shall stand upon the Rock - when all around my soul gives way -He then is all my hope and stay.

Pray too for my new host family. They have four little ones 1, 3,6, and 8. They are precious and so much of me wants to feel guilty. For now all I can do is show these loving people Christ’s love and to try my best in communicating the Gospel truth to those chained in darkness. I trust the Spirit of God is communicating on a much deeper level than what my abilities have allowed me,

I love you all so very much - I must close this letter now in saying - there is rumor of a rebel raid tonight in the village. My host family is taking me to the mountains to care for the little ones. We must begin our journey at sundown. Traveling in the dark will be very difficult, but if we were to leave mid-day suspicions would rise in regards to where the ‘white woman’ is going. Everyday is such a risk for me - the rebels wish to destroy me - along with all those who believe the Truth like us. We may be few - but we are mighty by the power of God!

Mom, Dad, if we are never again to meet face to face - remember what we are called to - to love the unloved, to follow God at all costs, wherever He leads. I feel like you’ve always known this about me - my time IS short - maybe that’s why Daddy was so against my going at first. Rest assured that this is my plea “My life for the Gospel!”. I still remember your smiles and I dearly hope to see you again. If not in this lifetime, I anticipate rejoicing with you once again in eternity! Promise that you’ll continue God’s work when I’m gone - there is no better life - no greater joy! I LOVE YOU!

Scene #3

Dearest ones,

If you are reading this letter I anticipate you are doing so with tears, smiles, and probably lots of questions for if anyone is to read this letter it would only mean that I have encountered some circumstance that claimed my life and have gone to be with the Lord. Please, let your questions not be channeled in anger toward our God. Please TRUST the will of our Father - trust that my passing was not in vain and let there be celebration - after all, I know my soul is at rest.

I know you are all probably wondering how I went. I wish I could tell you - but God has given me no such revelation in regards to how I shall go. You are likely wondering if my passing was peaceful and sweet - I think you and I both know the likelihood of that in this part of the country would be rare. I do trust however, that regardless of whatever torture or brutality has crossed my path, that the light, peace, and joy of Christ will have surrounded me - much like Stephen when he was stoned.

I never knew when God called me to be a missionary what that could look like - and I know many times Daddy you were disappointed when I wasn’t bringing home the ideal paycheck like most of my high school friends. I know you felt ashamed at first when the town gossip couldn’t make enough cuts at how crazy and ridiculous I was being. I know your hearts broke when my fiancée and I decided to postpone our wedding to complete our two year commitment to the unreached people of our world. Mom, I know you wanted grandchildren and how cautious you wished I was when it came to adventuring with the Lord, but if you believe nothing else in this letter, believe this one thing - I have sought to love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength - and though my life was never what you may have dreamed for me from the time I was a child - though safety and plenty may never be my boast - I have truly lived for I have lived for Christ!

declaration

I was reading through my systematic theology textbook and came across this gem of a poem/prayer. It really speaks to some of the longings in my heart to seek after Christ with all I am, intentionally and purposefully, recklessly and fearlessly:

"Father, I am Your bread. Break me up and pass me around to the poor and needy of this world.

I am your towel. Dampen me with tears and with me wash the feet of people who are weary with walking and with working.

I am Your light. Take me out where the darkness is thick, there to shine and let Christ shine.

I am Your pen. Write with me whatever word You wish, and placard the word where the least and the lost of the world will see it and read it and be helped by it.

I am Your salt. Sprinkle me on all the things that You want for people, so that my faith and love and hope will flavor their experiences.

I am Your water. Pour me into people who thirst for You but do not even know that it is You for whom they thirst. Pour into them and trust that You have helped me to place in You. Pour into them the inward witness that is in me. Pour into them the promise that soon the summer drought will pass and refreshing rivers of water will gush down over them.

I am Yours, Lord God. Use me up in what You will, when You will, where You will, for whom You will, even if it means that I am given responsibilities that are considerable and costly."

(Grider 1994, 526-7)

time change

I decided that I really appreciate the time change here in Canada.
It's a little after 7:00pm here in New Brunswick and it's still light out! :)
How I love the sunshine and refreshing air of spring time, especially after just returning from Pennsylvania on Chorale tour. We played in almost green grass down there in t-shirts and 65 degree weather. Spring time, where art thou?!

Chorale Tour 2009

In less than 12 hours we will be hitting the road for our March break Chorale Tour. We are heading to Ontario, Canada for a number of days followed by a few stops in New York and Pennsylvania.

Please pray for our group that God will work both in and through our ministry.
Pray for strength and wisdom, discernment and UNITY!
Pray that restoration will take place in hearts and that the freedom of the Lord will be very present in our ministry!
Pray for protection as we travel long hours and health as we sing lots.
Pray for the world around us that still needs people to GO and tell them about Jesus!



I will update when possible during/after tour.
To God be the glory!

photoshoot in apt. 310

Friday night is "girl's night"...and we spent our last one getting all dressed up with no place to go. A friend came and took some pictures of us to document the adventure:

a year of events in 2008

I neglected to post this on New Year's...but now that I'm thinking about it, I find it worthy of reflection and posting. These are some thoughts I recorded in my journal on the last night of 2008.

As this year comes to a close, it's always nice to reflect a bit - on life, lessons, changes, and seasons of life. 2008 has been a very healing, strengthening & stretching year for me. I've been weathering many weary, tedious storms in friendships, relationships, health, and future decisions. I've laughed until I've fallen on the floor and can't breath - I've cried from the core of my heart - wept for broken people around me - joyed and delighted in the body of Christ. The churchbecame an unwelcoming, unbearable stranger to me this year - but my hunger for adventure and spontaneity grew deep. I came of "age' - have officially been a license driver for 5 years, and held orphans in Jamaica. I read a man (Chalds James) the bible because he couldn't sit up to do it himself and heard the sweetest tune of praise come as he sang me a few hymns.

I walked the entire length of Cavendish beach (something Prez deemed slightly invigorating) and watched shooting stars with someone who I held a instant connection with at Riverside Camp. I ate guacamole and swam in a hot tub after midnight. I rode in a limousine and fellowshipped with several 80 yr. old missionaries. I jumped in a freezing cold water & ate wild blueberries on a hiking trail. People around me anchored down their lives with serious commitments to marriage, engagement, and children - I let go of any and all control over that aspect of my life. I kayaked the Aroostook River with my Mom and ate PB sandwiches on the shore - rode the reversing falls in St. John, New Brunswick - seeing live seals for the first time evr. I lost and I gained - friendships sparked and grew while others fizzled out. I swam in the ocean, canoed by myself in a lake - watched a thunderstorm from a kayak - learned an incredible amount about my grandmother's life - explored waterfalls - from the forests of NY and NB all the way to the great and mesmerizing Niagra Falls.

I sought to love without an agenda - wrote many songs and discovered a love for free-style worship with just piano or guitar noodling and a heart singing out its heart cries. I climbed the Bluffs in the dark - climbed way too many trees - dressed as a ninja - and discovered two of my favorite spots: Prez's field and Bridgeo (playing my heart out with unskilled fingers in a dimly lit piano room). I lead worship for the first time ever in chapel and testified of God's healing and restoration all over! I even drove down the BBC path! (many times)

It's been a good year with prayer times down by the riverside and in my special chapel window. I puddle jumped a lot - and laughed without fear of what is to come - being in the moment - only now I need a truly sold reminder of laughing without fear of the future. Leadership positions stretched me - I was forced to love and hold strong against the ruthless attacks of people seeking to absolve their jealousy and hatred toward me regarding past relationships. God has been gracious to me by placing many loving, encouraging and intelligent people in my life. I caught sunrises over mountain tops, and ran down four-wheeling trails early in the morning!

As the year winds down - my hope for the coming season - 2009, is that I will faithfully hold true to who Christ has fashioned me to be - that I will laugh without fear of the future and continue living in obedience wherever that may and will ultimately lead me. The next year holds much - I know this for sure - what exactly? I know not yet - but Christ is my life - my leader - my all- I will live my life for the sake of the call - abandoning everything to cast my nets down - to follow Christ. Lord teach me what ths means - to abide in Thee. *My life for the Gospel"

season of growth

There's so much to say.
God has been doing some neat things in my life lately.
I intend on posting them when my journal is close at hand, to better articulate the events of the last month or so.
Stay tuned...

treasures

What do you treasure?
I saw a commercial on the television the other day for a "top of the line" metal detector. According to its maker, it has all the components necessary to find your favorite and most needed treasures - money, jewels, antiques - surely this will bring great joy and satisfaction to one's life.

Caught in a tornado of technology - we've lost sight of communication - and rather we've done nothing more than spew out words at one another. people don't sit and have long, intellectual conversations about life, love, growth, change, experience or curiosity - everything is summarized/abbreviated - surface level "textable" conversations that never dig deeper than the "hey - LOL" stage.

What have we done to relationship? Since when did we NEED these things? an iPod touch? really? why? touch screen computers? what's the need? If you really care for someone - send them a card, a letter, a small note to acknowledge your appreciation/care for them. Pick up the telephone and see how they're doing. Communicate. Seek to have relationships where you love with genuine affection (Romans 12:9-10) - cast aside your agendas and LOVE, even if you don't 'get' something in return.

This passage was laid on my heart last night:
"19 Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieve do not break in and steal. 21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of our heart will also be." - Matthew 6:19-21

thinking

Thinking is such a profound process.
It cleanses the mind.
It clouds the mind.
It complicates the mind.
It challenges the mind.
It creates within the mind.
It stretches the mind.
Ultimately, it exposes the thinker - oftentimes to themself.
It causes examination of both the inside and outside.
Thinking is kind've like...looking in a giant mirror.
You are offered a chance to observe, to examine.
The spots, the blemishes, the image reflected,
are all presented before the thinking mind.
Character, goals, mindsets, mantras, lifestyle,ambitions-
all sit before the thinker waiting to be explored.

Thinking changes things:
from seeing to understanding,
from understanding to knowing,
from knowing to being,
from being to resting,
from resting to adventuring...and on the journey goes.

I've been thinking a lot lately - about life, love, people, and purpose.
Thinking can be restless.
It can be consuming and absolutely torturous.
Thinking can be a battle, a war zone within the boundaries of one's mind,
and at the same time, thinking can be sweet, healing, and restorative.
It can be bizarre, elating, enjoyable, and refreshing.
Thinking can be humorous, imaginative, freeing, yet strange.
It can be rewarding, revealing, reflective, and constructive.

Thinking can erupt into sweet belly-aching laughter
or be flooded with tears of anguish, joy, repentance, or acceptance.
Thankfully, thinking isn't the whole picture...it calls for further action.
One may express their thinking, articulate their thinking, or even change their thinking...

In the end I believe this process of thinking offers us the chance to submit ourselves to the Potter; as weak, unfinished, and sometimes difficult clay, to be molded and sculpted according to His purpose and plan for our lives. One must not become lost in their thoughts, but must rather embrace the process of thinking as a chance to explore, change, and become.

Here's to a season of thinking...

burning away the chaff

I burned two years of my life today...
Last night I came across two notebooks packed with journaled thoughts from my senior year in highschool onward through my first semester at college. During this time I became completely enraptured in the idea of being loved and allowed myself to settle for what others deemed to be my life sentence or "blessing" as they put it. This lot in life framed most of my thoughts. If 'he' called it was a good day. If 'he' didn't call it was an okay day and my journal usually expressed some confidence in God's grace and leaning on his strength because this guy wasn't showing me much affection. What really made my insides turn was when I realized how clearly I had aligned my relationship with a man to that of my relationship with God. Now you may think - well that couldn't be all that bad, eh? aren't we supposed to carry ourselves in such a way that all our relationships reflect and come from the overflow of our relationships with Christ? Well yes, but...

Unfortunately, I had this backwards. I let my relationship with Christ flow from the remnants of my relationship with a man I was dating - after about a year and a half I started to disappear...more into my twisted theology of who Christ was and how He worked...what His voice sounded like - even though I probably only listened or assumed when it was saying something along the lines of what I was looking to hear.

My heart was disgusted with myself and my naivety. How could I so devote myself to the service and partnership of another that I somehow neglected my greatest Love? How sad it must have made the heart of Christ for me to be running aimlessly in a direction that was surely not going to work out. The warning signs were up - the red flags had been tossed - my journals noted such things - but I refused to listen. Somehow in my silly little world everything made sense. I wanted to be a wife - I wanted to be loved - so I put on a pair of glasses with gargantuen blinders that only allowed me to see that which was pointing toward those two goals as end results. Nothing was wrong as far as I knew - nothing at all. Minus of course an outside, reflective observation of my consuming attempts to mold Christ into a fitting mold for my purposes. HOW BACKWARDS! Should not I be the one being molded and fitted for His purposes? I selfishly ripped control of my life out of the hands of the King and somehow expected Him to abide by and provide for my ways. WOW! It makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

As I sifted through these writings my heart grew weary. "I'm sorry Lord. So sorry...how could I ever have...why did you save me from this...why didn't I listen sooner?" I felt a nudging inside of me: "Burn it! Cut the ties." So I slapped a big blue post-it note on two of my journals: "BURN ME" it said. I grabbed hold of my third spiral notebook...wondering how this one would fair. I began to turn the pages. Filled with question - frustration - reasoning - confusion - and the beginnings of awareness. I was starting to recognize - starting to see - starting to listen - starting to question. The process of surrender was laid out clearly in these pages. Yes it wavered between my selfish desire to make it work...but here I sit nearly two years later...cutting those final ties of fearing relationship. I cannot imagine ever becoming so consumed and caught up in it that I'd neglect my greatest Love - the one who knows me most and loves me best. I've been afraid for a long time of slipping back into that place - that 'cloud 9' place where life i hunkey-dorey as long as someone smiles and calls once in awhile - who cares that there is no real foundation for the relationship and that it's no fun to be around that person - when life with them is grand - life with God must be grand, right?WRONG!

Our relationship with Christ is to come first. Anything less than everything isn't good enough. We owe our whole selves to Christ for His purposes and plans. All our devotion, affection, time, worship, praise, and adoration should be focused and given to Him alone. No other lovers can compare. We should not depend on the status of a human relationship to depict the deepness or status of our relationship with Christ. 'In Christ alone...my hope is found...he is my light, my strength, my song-"

*So this morning I dug a makeshift firepit in the backyard. Clad in my pjs and with my sister in tow to support me- I brought that stack of selfishness - two years of journaling where my focus, my delight was a man - and Christ was the supplementary or bonus blessing...to the fire. With box of matches in hand, I crumpled them into balls. As I watched the pages burn away - turning into ashes of the past...covering them with the pure, white, cool snow of winter - the sun shone on my face and I knew this is a glorious day!

Father forgive me for those years of selfisness and naivety. Thank you for freeing me from that situation and for bringing greater healing to my heart as I grow nearer to You! The words of Misty Edwards speak clearly my hearts cry:
"I won't relent until you have it all - my heart is Yours..."

braced for colder winds

Does it ever feel like everything around you is somehow synchronizing and working efficiently together - happily, joyously- and someone forgot to slip you a post-it note so you know to join in?

Over the last month I've watched people pledge their undying love to one another and make plans to get married - promise rings have been purchased - life plans are made - people have new jobs - new friends - new lives - this weekend people are getting married - people are pregnant - all this change and strangeness, yet somehow I feel left out of the swirling, twirling and shifting all round' about me. Somehow I feel as though this is all some random sequence of silliness in some separate, secondary reality to what really is. After all, I feel so very much not a part of it...could it be reality?

A lot of shifting is beginning to take place in my life...
and selfishly I want answers...I want clarity...I want direction.
I just want life to make sense!
I just want to know and understand...but yet here I rest,
uncertain, without answer, directionless with a seemingly broken compass and no motivation to pull out the map.
My body grows weary in waiting, but I know the strength of my heart remains (for it is Him - He fails not - nothing can change that).
I guess I just want to understand what I am supposed to do with my life.
What does He have planned for me?
Where am I supposed to be this summer?
Everyone around me is falling in love, heading out into the real world, having babies, starting families. They all seem so secure, so blessed, so certain.
I feel alone.
I'm growing a little weary.
I have been tempted to wonder, "Am I failing in my womanhood?"
By not having these things the world deems appropriate and necessary to compliment/accentuate/and define the very essence of a woman - have I missed it?
What shall I do?
Lord help....be Thou my Vision.

inspiration

What inspires you?
What touches the very depths of your heart?
Is it new life? the passing of old?
What about triumph? trials? failure?
Perhaps success? romance? love and kindness?
What about breath? life? awakening each morning?

So much is set before us that may liven our hearts
yet so often we miss it.
We trudge our way through the dance of our day,
never once caring to lift our foot from it sorry place,
never once giggling and delighting in an unexpected twirl.
We moan and groan, complain, and hope for the next day,
while the present still remains.
Our hearts are walled in with schedules, agendas, meetings,
and selfish plans...we silence the laughter...
we silence the dance...we silence the silliness and freedom...
sometimes we silence the King.

I know I made it through my day,
What a bles-sed day it was...
but I'm far too tired to spend time now with You Lord, just because.
Priorities, priorities, where are your priorities?
Does the Word gather dust while your tv glimmers and shines?
Does the Word disappear along the shelf as your photos pollute its view?
Does your prayer time shorten and shorten on behalf of that ringing tone?
A text, a message, a call for sure...from that lovely one that you adore.

"My child, my child...why won't you hear me?
Come beloved, I long to meet with you.
Stop honoring me with your mouth - while your heart is far from me.
Stop going through the motions, you mean more than that to me.
I created you with purpose...not to make it or scrape by...
I created you for excellence - come beloved don't be shy.
My plans for you are good and great, if only you will hear.
Silence those silly idol distractions, set your eyes upon this prize.
I want your heart, your life, your everything - more than I want
your habits and rituals. Come, beloved, come! Let me be your inspiration!
Let me be your life!"

first snowfall of the season

Last night I returned to my apartment after supper and didn't emerge outside until a few hours later for d-group. It had snowed a small amount and continued to - as beautiful flakes fluttered and swirled through the sky onto the chilly ground.
My roommate and I had a giant snow fight last night with the RAs and a few fun brothers in Christ. We laughed lots and got soaked.
This morning I woke up to the glimmering, glorious sunshine with this view out my window and on my walk to chapel, I snapped these pictures to remember the occasion.

encounter weekend - bethany live style

As hundreds of teens flooded our campus for a youth rally weekend - we shared with them a time of comedy and laughter in our famous Bethany Live show.
To close the night was a special visit from: Earl, Edna, Junie-Mae, Alfred, Ernest & Elizabeth in skit known affectionately as the "Old Lady Skit".

21st birthday celebrations!

My roomate made my day extra special yesterday. She set up an 80's dance party with the girls in our apartment complete with sweet lights and some good dancin' tunes. After this we hung out with some of our brothers on campus playing games and laughing lots...even a little dancing too! :) I felt blessed and loved on my birthday! 21 years of life have come and gone so quickly...bless the Lord for life and breath - for love, fellowship, joy, and provision.







DISCLAIMER: Katrina did my makeup and hair. :)

hair cut

This one's for you Mom!
So I got a hair cut...it was time for a change...BEFORE

AFTER...

reality

r e a l i t y .

What is it?
What if what I view to be reality were not in fact reality at all?
Ever grow tired of wondering?
Ever long so deeply to know?

Some justify serving/knowing Christ as worth it because if we were to live our whole lives with the hope in mind that eventually we'll spend eternity with him - and if by chance we were to get to the end and this were not true, we would never know, we've lost nothing - it wouldn't really matter. We would simply cease to exist.

However, if the promise of eternity with Christ is in fact true and we choose to live our lives apart from and separate of that promise - if we come to the end and this is true, we've lost everything.

Sometimes I feel like I live outside of "reality". The Bible talks about how "God has planted eternity in the human heart" in Ecclesiastes. I wonder all the time - question, think, process - but through it all, the one unfading thing that holds clear, true, and steady is Him. Even when I am uncertain of any other reality - I come to find my only true reality is Christ. He is everything.

Seasons change.
Children grow.
Relationships spark and fade or flourish.
Time keeps ticking.
Buildings rot, creek, and grow old.
Yet He remains...He transcends all.

What an A W E S O M E - R E A L - GOD we serve, eh?