beautiful broken footsies

Two weeks ago I prayed for brokenness.
Almost two weeks ago (Thursday) I was running down the soccer field when my foot gave out on me. In an instant, a squish/pop/crackle/ick noise resounded all around me. I didn't claim it at first, I had to complete the play. Kicking the ball my foot flubbed (strange I thought to myself) - completing my stride I landed on my right foot. (OOEEEEKKKKKKKK! I think that gross noise was my foot.)

(ut oh, oh no, ut oh, on no I repeated under my breath the whole way off the field.)
No one took notice.
I hobbled away for help.
A friend came running and knew I was hurting.
I did not cry - I did not flinch.
My foot felt like mush and my heart was annoyed.
(Why now, huh? Why now? I'm SO SICk and tired of being sick! I just want to be healthy again!)

For the last three years of being at Bethany I've struggled with my health.
Sickness after injury, after sickness, after injury. It seems like the cycle never ends. It's weary, frustrating, and so full of praise and battle. God's breathed healing into my life many times and He's been more than faithful - and still I keep getting tested.

Two weeks ago was the beginning of my breaking point.
My feet have had a running tabulation of injuries, random ones over the last 2 years -- and one thing that resounds in my heart everytime is this: "how beautiful are the feet that bring the Good News"...
I'll tell you what, I don't feel like my feet are particularly beautiful when I can't walk on them, when they're swollen, bruised, blistered, beaten, weak, incapable of supporting me, stiff, or even broken.
Yet somehow...I feel like they're being prepared - being strengthened through this brokenness - being stretched through these periods of bruising.

I was in St. John last Thursday preparing to get my half-cast removed and a full cast secured on my once strong foot. (Another fun thing about these injuries is they rotate feet - nice, eh?)Waiting, waiting and waiting was followed by more waiting. It seemed like no one was willing to help me because I didn't have a hunk of cash to place in their hands. After skuddling around for over an hour with my insurance information - and making me 1 1/2 hours late for my appointment I was 20 minutes early to - I was signing paperwork to be seen by the doctor. Numerous apologies were being given - but in that hour of waiting I hit rock bottom.

I was broken at my core.
Hopeless almost - yet barely hanging on.
I knew there was Hope present - I was blinded to seeing it.
I knew there was Hope in the Healer - I was too weak to ask.
Yet as I crutched my way into the examination room - no wait necessary (to make up for the complications earlier) I sat on that table and thought - finally- I finally made it.

My friend prayed deep in her heart that this trip would not be in vain.
She prayed for Healing.
As they went to remove my half cast I started to help the guy unwrap the bandages - he looked me right in the eyes and said, "what are ya doing that for? let me cut it off, eh! You don't plan on keepin it for something do ya?"
I chuckled to myself, "No sir, I don't plan on keeping it...go for it."
The ties to this cast were severed and cut to bits.
I was able to wiggle my toes now - something I hadn't done in a week - and the purple tint and swelling had vanished from the time of our arrival.
The doctor decided I didn't need a cast because it would be a nuisance more than anything and that I should slowly work on applying weight and pressure to it.
I spent the next few days "weaning" off crutches.
It's hard for me to take it easy - but now I can walk with a bit of a hobble in my step.
There's still a significant amount of pain and soreness - yet I know my God is faithful. I can walk again. He picked me up in my brokenness and "set my feet to walking".

I've never cried so much - and wept in my life as I did during that week.
I've never felt more unable to express myself...
More incompetent - worthless- helpless- broken...

Praise God for stretching us...even the biggest, toughest muscles of all - like the heart! He is good!

a special kind of love

Love.
It's what we were created to do.
We were fashioned in love.
Created in love.
Molded together in love.
Growing in love.
Breathing in love.
Yet somehow, though it's all around us- not often does one find a special kind of love.
What sort of love am I raving about now, you might ask?

I had an accident this week.
An unfortunate accident at that.
Running down the soccer field, I took one perfect step that dealt me my fate.
The squishing, and strange pop I heard made my stomach churn.
Not sure of it's source, I kicked the ball - watching my foot flounder and landing, only to realize I couldn't bare weight on my foot at all.
"ut oh, that noise was my foot" I soon realized.
Too in shock to cry - the pain was deep and welling inside.
Thankfully, God sent friends to love me along the way - friends who gave up fun games and study time to sit at the ER with me.
So I truly believe I've seen this special kind of love in action A LOT these last few days. How you might ask? What is this special love?

It's the kind of love that carries you on its back up endless flights of stairs because you couldn't possibly manage to walk.
It's the kind of love that colors you pictures or sends a note just to say hey.
It's the kind of love that teaches you theology you'd never understand any other way.
It's the kind of love that smiles at you and says, "Hey pretty lady, can I take your crutch?"
It's the kind of love that winks at you just to let you know they're watching.
It's the kind of love that walks with you, talks with you, and stays the night just in case you need anything.
It's the kind of love that makes you laugh - lots - deep deep inside.
It's the kind of love that gives nicknames like "hop-a-long".
It's the kind of love that wipes your tears when you're too weak not to cry.
It's the kind of love that makes you see Jesus shining on someone's face!
It's the kind of love that reflects the King and His heart - the example of His love for us in action - friend to friend - one to another.

My heart has been blessed by this love and I hope only to love the same in return.

what I like about daffodils

they're yellow - bright - cheerful
they have a hollow tube-like stem
they resemble a star - or burst of yellow liveliness
they are some of the first signs of life in spring time
they represent new beginnings and fresh seasons

a friend picked me a flower today.
I love flowers.
it was a daffodil.
it was a rainy day.
the sun fought to show its brilliance at different times
a friend brought me a flower and it made me smile
my journey is "finishing" and a new is emerging here at BBC.
I cried as I clutched the daffodil in thought
the fragrance of spring now rested in my hand
What's next Lord, I dared to ask...
"rest beloved...I'm working my plan!"

fighting tears and laughter and smiles and such,
I remembered again how I love this friend much!

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want...
He leadeth me beside still waters...
and maketh me to lie down in green pastures...
he hast prepared for me a table in the presence of mine enemies...
I will fear no evil, for He is with me...
my cup overflows...
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me...
all the days of my life...
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord...forever!"

laughter and tears

There is something remarkably cleansing about laughing.
For example today - something struck me funny and I chuckled, then I got a laugh feeling in my tummy and chest I couldn't help and I kept laughing for a good five minutes- until I didn't even know what I was laughing about...but it was good, refreshing, hearty, and elating.

Lately that's all I do...laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry.
Sometimes if things are really crazy, both happen simultaneously.
Yet somehow in the midst of a lot of "stuff" going on...
I am constantly reminded that I serve a God who is worthy of worship.
Despite circumstances, in every season He is still God.
He is still loving, gracious, and He will withhold no good thing from those He loves.
This mode of thinking doesn't mean we always agree with God's definition of what is good for those He loves, but it is solid truth.

A lot of change is going on in my heart, mind, spirit, and relationships all around me.God has blessed me over the last few days to grieve with and love on several of His children. I sense a closeness with the Body of Christ, a clinging in desperation from some of my brothers and sisters like they're clutching to the side of a lifeboat and waiting to be pulled in. Some are tempted to let go and drown, others are fiercely kicking and screaming so much, they are complicating the process of bring pulled into the boat and others whom the scales have been removed from their eyes are fighting against the current and monstrous waves while trusting the arm on the other side will not fail them. They realize it's time to grab a hold by faith and get out of the tumultuous waves.

It's moments of realization and victory that I celebrate and rejoice in. My heart both weeps and joys in yet another heart released from the bondage of the sea. Perhaps the most obvious lesson and realization for me to gather from this process is just that - it is a process - sometimes a long one- and rarely is it easy - sometimes it is frustrating - sometimes it is annoying - sometimes it feels hardly worth it - it's a fight - it's a battle - it's a full out war...but it's worth it! The heart condition of our brothers and sisters is worth every bit of mental tiredness, bumps and bruises we acquire along the way. For we minister "not by might, nor by power, but by God's Spirit".

My heart longs to see God's people pursue Him with a holiness and righteousness that is pure, reckless, relentless, abandoned to Him alone. Lord have your way in our hearts! Move among us - call us to a place where all we have and need is You!

Mission's Week Monologue

Zachary Armand, one of my good brother-friends in Christ asked me to do a little creative writing for Mission's Week here on campus. When I started to consider what to do in light of missions, this is what came from my heart. This is a monologue that reflects the preparation stages of going on a mission's trip for 2 years (reflective of the 2+U movement), followed by thoughts while there, and closes with a second letter from the country. When I read this the Tuesday night of missions week in the chapel, no one budged...it was sheer silence as people thought. This blessed me very much. I pray your hearts are blessed as you read!

Missions Week Monologue – Bethany Bible College 2009
By: Christy L. Zbylut

Scene #1

I never thought this day would come. I’ve never been one to make hasty decisions and I know this journey has been in the making from the very beginning of my life. I never knew that committing my life to do God’s work would cost quite so much. I have laid aside dream after dream over the past few years only to find, they weren’t dreams at all. The funniest thing is, that as I have been obedient in turning over my dreams to Him, God has knit new dreams deep in the very core of my heart and soul. I long for and crave His presence - I desire nothing more that to live for God in everything I do. Such freedom met my heart when I gave EVERY comfortable thing in my life to Him. How could I ever live another way when I have tasted and seen the goodness of our God in response to obedience?

Blessed are these days to come - these days of hoping, waiting, learning, and loving. I am terrified about leaving, but I know I have no choice - for to disobey my God would be to forsake all that is within me. “To live is Christ and to die is gain!”

It’s tough to know what to pack when you are giving your life to go somewhere for two years - not fully aware if you’ll ever come back. Missionary work doesn’t really seem to come with a manual...so much of me desires to sell everything I own and just GO....now that I’m going I realize how wonderful this concept is - to live a live in reckless abandon to my King. God...to you be the glory! My life is in Your hands...

Scene #2

Beloved Family,

A cruel harshness has settled upon this land. I fee as though the enemy himself has taken up residence in the government. Weary faces plague the street - anxiously I search to find even one sign of LIFE. The eyes of the people are plain and distant - how I long to see a light revived in them that has now been consumed with darkness.

Things are not as I expected them to be - when I arrived there was great unrest in the city. Rebel soldiers are constantly on the watch and I have been informed that having a white woman in the village only adds to the stress. Though we cannot yet speak, my heart grows fonder of these people each day. Truly God longs for their souls to dwell with Him in eternity - but such hurt, loss, anger and loneliness have blinded them to the truth.

Years of turmoil have ravaged this country. For the safety of my hosts I cannot inform you of whom I am staying with. Please be in prayer for my original host family - their boldness on my behalf and for the sake of God’s glory have shaken my heart.

Just prior to my arrival, my intended hosts had their home raided by rebels looking for ‘the white woman’. A neighbor saw this take place and hurried to intersect my journey to the village. My hosts and their three little boys refused to reveal when or where I’d be arriving. This angered the rebels - and though I’d love to spare your hearts from the knowledge of such gruesome behaviors as those found in this country - I cannot - for I long for you to understand the power of our great God in the midst of the most painful of circumstances. I also long for you to know His love at greater depth than ever before - to know WHY we are to serve Him in JOY and PAIN.

My hosts were beaten by the rebels, their home was plundered and the man was taken by the rebels for further interrogation. Their neighbor helped me find a cousin of his - who agreed to care for me just outside the city. Sometimes I wonder if these people are crazy or not, risking their very lives to save mine - and all because we love Christ and the government does not. I feel so unworthy of being here - but I trust God has a purpose in my going and a purpose in my coming - for this reason I shall stand upon the Rock - when all around my soul gives way -He then is all my hope and stay.

Pray too for my new host family. They have four little ones 1, 3,6, and 8. They are precious and so much of me wants to feel guilty. For now all I can do is show these loving people Christ’s love and to try my best in communicating the Gospel truth to those chained in darkness. I trust the Spirit of God is communicating on a much deeper level than what my abilities have allowed me,

I love you all so very much - I must close this letter now in saying - there is rumor of a rebel raid tonight in the village. My host family is taking me to the mountains to care for the little ones. We must begin our journey at sundown. Traveling in the dark will be very difficult, but if we were to leave mid-day suspicions would rise in regards to where the ‘white woman’ is going. Everyday is such a risk for me - the rebels wish to destroy me - along with all those who believe the Truth like us. We may be few - but we are mighty by the power of God!

Mom, Dad, if we are never again to meet face to face - remember what we are called to - to love the unloved, to follow God at all costs, wherever He leads. I feel like you’ve always known this about me - my time IS short - maybe that’s why Daddy was so against my going at first. Rest assured that this is my plea “My life for the Gospel!”. I still remember your smiles and I dearly hope to see you again. If not in this lifetime, I anticipate rejoicing with you once again in eternity! Promise that you’ll continue God’s work when I’m gone - there is no better life - no greater joy! I LOVE YOU!

Scene #3

Dearest ones,

If you are reading this letter I anticipate you are doing so with tears, smiles, and probably lots of questions for if anyone is to read this letter it would only mean that I have encountered some circumstance that claimed my life and have gone to be with the Lord. Please, let your questions not be channeled in anger toward our God. Please TRUST the will of our Father - trust that my passing was not in vain and let there be celebration - after all, I know my soul is at rest.

I know you are all probably wondering how I went. I wish I could tell you - but God has given me no such revelation in regards to how I shall go. You are likely wondering if my passing was peaceful and sweet - I think you and I both know the likelihood of that in this part of the country would be rare. I do trust however, that regardless of whatever torture or brutality has crossed my path, that the light, peace, and joy of Christ will have surrounded me - much like Stephen when he was stoned.

I never knew when God called me to be a missionary what that could look like - and I know many times Daddy you were disappointed when I wasn’t bringing home the ideal paycheck like most of my high school friends. I know you felt ashamed at first when the town gossip couldn’t make enough cuts at how crazy and ridiculous I was being. I know your hearts broke when my fiancée and I decided to postpone our wedding to complete our two year commitment to the unreached people of our world. Mom, I know you wanted grandchildren and how cautious you wished I was when it came to adventuring with the Lord, but if you believe nothing else in this letter, believe this one thing - I have sought to love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength - and though my life was never what you may have dreamed for me from the time I was a child - though safety and plenty may never be my boast - I have truly lived for I have lived for Christ!

declaration

I was reading through my systematic theology textbook and came across this gem of a poem/prayer. It really speaks to some of the longings in my heart to seek after Christ with all I am, intentionally and purposefully, recklessly and fearlessly:

"Father, I am Your bread. Break me up and pass me around to the poor and needy of this world.

I am your towel. Dampen me with tears and with me wash the feet of people who are weary with walking and with working.

I am Your light. Take me out where the darkness is thick, there to shine and let Christ shine.

I am Your pen. Write with me whatever word You wish, and placard the word where the least and the lost of the world will see it and read it and be helped by it.

I am Your salt. Sprinkle me on all the things that You want for people, so that my faith and love and hope will flavor their experiences.

I am Your water. Pour me into people who thirst for You but do not even know that it is You for whom they thirst. Pour into them and trust that You have helped me to place in You. Pour into them the inward witness that is in me. Pour into them the promise that soon the summer drought will pass and refreshing rivers of water will gush down over them.

I am Yours, Lord God. Use me up in what You will, when You will, where You will, for whom You will, even if it means that I am given responsibilities that are considerable and costly."

(Grider 1994, 526-7)

time change

I decided that I really appreciate the time change here in Canada.
It's a little after 7:00pm here in New Brunswick and it's still light out! :)
How I love the sunshine and refreshing air of spring time, especially after just returning from Pennsylvania on Chorale tour. We played in almost green grass down there in t-shirts and 65 degree weather. Spring time, where art thou?!

Chorale Tour 2009

In less than 12 hours we will be hitting the road for our March break Chorale Tour. We are heading to Ontario, Canada for a number of days followed by a few stops in New York and Pennsylvania.

Please pray for our group that God will work both in and through our ministry.
Pray for strength and wisdom, discernment and UNITY!
Pray that restoration will take place in hearts and that the freedom of the Lord will be very present in our ministry!
Pray for protection as we travel long hours and health as we sing lots.
Pray for the world around us that still needs people to GO and tell them about Jesus!



I will update when possible during/after tour.
To God be the glory!

photoshoot in apt. 310

Friday night is "girl's night"...and we spent our last one getting all dressed up with no place to go. A friend came and took some pictures of us to document the adventure:

a year of events in 2008

I neglected to post this on New Year's...but now that I'm thinking about it, I find it worthy of reflection and posting. These are some thoughts I recorded in my journal on the last night of 2008.

As this year comes to a close, it's always nice to reflect a bit - on life, lessons, changes, and seasons of life. 2008 has been a very healing, strengthening & stretching year for me. I've been weathering many weary, tedious storms in friendships, relationships, health, and future decisions. I've laughed until I've fallen on the floor and can't breath - I've cried from the core of my heart - wept for broken people around me - joyed and delighted in the body of Christ. The churchbecame an unwelcoming, unbearable stranger to me this year - but my hunger for adventure and spontaneity grew deep. I came of "age' - have officially been a license driver for 5 years, and held orphans in Jamaica. I read a man (Chalds James) the bible because he couldn't sit up to do it himself and heard the sweetest tune of praise come as he sang me a few hymns.

I walked the entire length of Cavendish beach (something Prez deemed slightly invigorating) and watched shooting stars with someone who I held a instant connection with at Riverside Camp. I ate guacamole and swam in a hot tub after midnight. I rode in a limousine and fellowshipped with several 80 yr. old missionaries. I jumped in a freezing cold water & ate wild blueberries on a hiking trail. People around me anchored down their lives with serious commitments to marriage, engagement, and children - I let go of any and all control over that aspect of my life. I kayaked the Aroostook River with my Mom and ate PB sandwiches on the shore - rode the reversing falls in St. John, New Brunswick - seeing live seals for the first time evr. I lost and I gained - friendships sparked and grew while others fizzled out. I swam in the ocean, canoed by myself in a lake - watched a thunderstorm from a kayak - learned an incredible amount about my grandmother's life - explored waterfalls - from the forests of NY and NB all the way to the great and mesmerizing Niagra Falls.

I sought to love without an agenda - wrote many songs and discovered a love for free-style worship with just piano or guitar noodling and a heart singing out its heart cries. I climbed the Bluffs in the dark - climbed way too many trees - dressed as a ninja - and discovered two of my favorite spots: Prez's field and Bridgeo (playing my heart out with unskilled fingers in a dimly lit piano room). I lead worship for the first time ever in chapel and testified of God's healing and restoration all over! I even drove down the BBC path! (many times)

It's been a good year with prayer times down by the riverside and in my special chapel window. I puddle jumped a lot - and laughed without fear of what is to come - being in the moment - only now I need a truly sold reminder of laughing without fear of the future. Leadership positions stretched me - I was forced to love and hold strong against the ruthless attacks of people seeking to absolve their jealousy and hatred toward me regarding past relationships. God has been gracious to me by placing many loving, encouraging and intelligent people in my life. I caught sunrises over mountain tops, and ran down four-wheeling trails early in the morning!

As the year winds down - my hope for the coming season - 2009, is that I will faithfully hold true to who Christ has fashioned me to be - that I will laugh without fear of the future and continue living in obedience wherever that may and will ultimately lead me. The next year holds much - I know this for sure - what exactly? I know not yet - but Christ is my life - my leader - my all- I will live my life for the sake of the call - abandoning everything to cast my nets down - to follow Christ. Lord teach me what ths means - to abide in Thee. *My life for the Gospel"

season of growth

There's so much to say.
God has been doing some neat things in my life lately.
I intend on posting them when my journal is close at hand, to better articulate the events of the last month or so.
Stay tuned...

treasures

What do you treasure?
I saw a commercial on the television the other day for a "top of the line" metal detector. According to its maker, it has all the components necessary to find your favorite and most needed treasures - money, jewels, antiques - surely this will bring great joy and satisfaction to one's life.

Caught in a tornado of technology - we've lost sight of communication - and rather we've done nothing more than spew out words at one another. people don't sit and have long, intellectual conversations about life, love, growth, change, experience or curiosity - everything is summarized/abbreviated - surface level "textable" conversations that never dig deeper than the "hey - LOL" stage.

What have we done to relationship? Since when did we NEED these things? an iPod touch? really? why? touch screen computers? what's the need? If you really care for someone - send them a card, a letter, a small note to acknowledge your appreciation/care for them. Pick up the telephone and see how they're doing. Communicate. Seek to have relationships where you love with genuine affection (Romans 12:9-10) - cast aside your agendas and LOVE, even if you don't 'get' something in return.

This passage was laid on my heart last night:
"19 Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieve do not break in and steal. 21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of our heart will also be." - Matthew 6:19-21

thinking

Thinking is such a profound process.
It cleanses the mind.
It clouds the mind.
It complicates the mind.
It challenges the mind.
It creates within the mind.
It stretches the mind.
Ultimately, it exposes the thinker - oftentimes to themself.
It causes examination of both the inside and outside.
Thinking is kind've like...looking in a giant mirror.
You are offered a chance to observe, to examine.
The spots, the blemishes, the image reflected,
are all presented before the thinking mind.
Character, goals, mindsets, mantras, lifestyle,ambitions-
all sit before the thinker waiting to be explored.

Thinking changes things:
from seeing to understanding,
from understanding to knowing,
from knowing to being,
from being to resting,
from resting to adventuring...and on the journey goes.

I've been thinking a lot lately - about life, love, people, and purpose.
Thinking can be restless.
It can be consuming and absolutely torturous.
Thinking can be a battle, a war zone within the boundaries of one's mind,
and at the same time, thinking can be sweet, healing, and restorative.
It can be bizarre, elating, enjoyable, and refreshing.
Thinking can be humorous, imaginative, freeing, yet strange.
It can be rewarding, revealing, reflective, and constructive.

Thinking can erupt into sweet belly-aching laughter
or be flooded with tears of anguish, joy, repentance, or acceptance.
Thankfully, thinking isn't the whole picture...it calls for further action.
One may express their thinking, articulate their thinking, or even change their thinking...

In the end I believe this process of thinking offers us the chance to submit ourselves to the Potter; as weak, unfinished, and sometimes difficult clay, to be molded and sculpted according to His purpose and plan for our lives. One must not become lost in their thoughts, but must rather embrace the process of thinking as a chance to explore, change, and become.

Here's to a season of thinking...

burning away the chaff

I burned two years of my life today...
Last night I came across two notebooks packed with journaled thoughts from my senior year in highschool onward through my first semester at college. During this time I became completely enraptured in the idea of being loved and allowed myself to settle for what others deemed to be my life sentence or "blessing" as they put it. This lot in life framed most of my thoughts. If 'he' called it was a good day. If 'he' didn't call it was an okay day and my journal usually expressed some confidence in God's grace and leaning on his strength because this guy wasn't showing me much affection. What really made my insides turn was when I realized how clearly I had aligned my relationship with a man to that of my relationship with God. Now you may think - well that couldn't be all that bad, eh? aren't we supposed to carry ourselves in such a way that all our relationships reflect and come from the overflow of our relationships with Christ? Well yes, but...

Unfortunately, I had this backwards. I let my relationship with Christ flow from the remnants of my relationship with a man I was dating - after about a year and a half I started to disappear...more into my twisted theology of who Christ was and how He worked...what His voice sounded like - even though I probably only listened or assumed when it was saying something along the lines of what I was looking to hear.

My heart was disgusted with myself and my naivety. How could I so devote myself to the service and partnership of another that I somehow neglected my greatest Love? How sad it must have made the heart of Christ for me to be running aimlessly in a direction that was surely not going to work out. The warning signs were up - the red flags had been tossed - my journals noted such things - but I refused to listen. Somehow in my silly little world everything made sense. I wanted to be a wife - I wanted to be loved - so I put on a pair of glasses with gargantuen blinders that only allowed me to see that which was pointing toward those two goals as end results. Nothing was wrong as far as I knew - nothing at all. Minus of course an outside, reflective observation of my consuming attempts to mold Christ into a fitting mold for my purposes. HOW BACKWARDS! Should not I be the one being molded and fitted for His purposes? I selfishly ripped control of my life out of the hands of the King and somehow expected Him to abide by and provide for my ways. WOW! It makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

As I sifted through these writings my heart grew weary. "I'm sorry Lord. So sorry...how could I ever have...why did you save me from this...why didn't I listen sooner?" I felt a nudging inside of me: "Burn it! Cut the ties." So I slapped a big blue post-it note on two of my journals: "BURN ME" it said. I grabbed hold of my third spiral notebook...wondering how this one would fair. I began to turn the pages. Filled with question - frustration - reasoning - confusion - and the beginnings of awareness. I was starting to recognize - starting to see - starting to listen - starting to question. The process of surrender was laid out clearly in these pages. Yes it wavered between my selfish desire to make it work...but here I sit nearly two years later...cutting those final ties of fearing relationship. I cannot imagine ever becoming so consumed and caught up in it that I'd neglect my greatest Love - the one who knows me most and loves me best. I've been afraid for a long time of slipping back into that place - that 'cloud 9' place where life i hunkey-dorey as long as someone smiles and calls once in awhile - who cares that there is no real foundation for the relationship and that it's no fun to be around that person - when life with them is grand - life with God must be grand, right?WRONG!

Our relationship with Christ is to come first. Anything less than everything isn't good enough. We owe our whole selves to Christ for His purposes and plans. All our devotion, affection, time, worship, praise, and adoration should be focused and given to Him alone. No other lovers can compare. We should not depend on the status of a human relationship to depict the deepness or status of our relationship with Christ. 'In Christ alone...my hope is found...he is my light, my strength, my song-"

*So this morning I dug a makeshift firepit in the backyard. Clad in my pjs and with my sister in tow to support me- I brought that stack of selfishness - two years of journaling where my focus, my delight was a man - and Christ was the supplementary or bonus blessing...to the fire. With box of matches in hand, I crumpled them into balls. As I watched the pages burn away - turning into ashes of the past...covering them with the pure, white, cool snow of winter - the sun shone on my face and I knew this is a glorious day!

Father forgive me for those years of selfisness and naivety. Thank you for freeing me from that situation and for bringing greater healing to my heart as I grow nearer to You! The words of Misty Edwards speak clearly my hearts cry:
"I won't relent until you have it all - my heart is Yours..."

braced for colder winds

Does it ever feel like everything around you is somehow synchronizing and working efficiently together - happily, joyously- and someone forgot to slip you a post-it note so you know to join in?

Over the last month I've watched people pledge their undying love to one another and make plans to get married - promise rings have been purchased - life plans are made - people have new jobs - new friends - new lives - this weekend people are getting married - people are pregnant - all this change and strangeness, yet somehow I feel left out of the swirling, twirling and shifting all round' about me. Somehow I feel as though this is all some random sequence of silliness in some separate, secondary reality to what really is. After all, I feel so very much not a part of it...could it be reality?

A lot of shifting is beginning to take place in my life...
and selfishly I want answers...I want clarity...I want direction.
I just want life to make sense!
I just want to know and understand...but yet here I rest,
uncertain, without answer, directionless with a seemingly broken compass and no motivation to pull out the map.
My body grows weary in waiting, but I know the strength of my heart remains (for it is Him - He fails not - nothing can change that).
I guess I just want to understand what I am supposed to do with my life.
What does He have planned for me?
Where am I supposed to be this summer?
Everyone around me is falling in love, heading out into the real world, having babies, starting families. They all seem so secure, so blessed, so certain.
I feel alone.
I'm growing a little weary.
I have been tempted to wonder, "Am I failing in my womanhood?"
By not having these things the world deems appropriate and necessary to compliment/accentuate/and define the very essence of a woman - have I missed it?
What shall I do?
Lord help....be Thou my Vision.

inspiration

What inspires you?
What touches the very depths of your heart?
Is it new life? the passing of old?
What about triumph? trials? failure?
Perhaps success? romance? love and kindness?
What about breath? life? awakening each morning?

So much is set before us that may liven our hearts
yet so often we miss it.
We trudge our way through the dance of our day,
never once caring to lift our foot from it sorry place,
never once giggling and delighting in an unexpected twirl.
We moan and groan, complain, and hope for the next day,
while the present still remains.
Our hearts are walled in with schedules, agendas, meetings,
and selfish plans...we silence the laughter...
we silence the dance...we silence the silliness and freedom...
sometimes we silence the King.

I know I made it through my day,
What a bles-sed day it was...
but I'm far too tired to spend time now with You Lord, just because.
Priorities, priorities, where are your priorities?
Does the Word gather dust while your tv glimmers and shines?
Does the Word disappear along the shelf as your photos pollute its view?
Does your prayer time shorten and shorten on behalf of that ringing tone?
A text, a message, a call for sure...from that lovely one that you adore.

"My child, my child...why won't you hear me?
Come beloved, I long to meet with you.
Stop honoring me with your mouth - while your heart is far from me.
Stop going through the motions, you mean more than that to me.
I created you with purpose...not to make it or scrape by...
I created you for excellence - come beloved don't be shy.
My plans for you are good and great, if only you will hear.
Silence those silly idol distractions, set your eyes upon this prize.
I want your heart, your life, your everything - more than I want
your habits and rituals. Come, beloved, come! Let me be your inspiration!
Let me be your life!"

first snowfall of the season

Last night I returned to my apartment after supper and didn't emerge outside until a few hours later for d-group. It had snowed a small amount and continued to - as beautiful flakes fluttered and swirled through the sky onto the chilly ground.
My roommate and I had a giant snow fight last night with the RAs and a few fun brothers in Christ. We laughed lots and got soaked.
This morning I woke up to the glimmering, glorious sunshine with this view out my window and on my walk to chapel, I snapped these pictures to remember the occasion.

encounter weekend - bethany live style

As hundreds of teens flooded our campus for a youth rally weekend - we shared with them a time of comedy and laughter in our famous Bethany Live show.
To close the night was a special visit from: Earl, Edna, Junie-Mae, Alfred, Ernest & Elizabeth in skit known affectionately as the "Old Lady Skit".

21st birthday celebrations!

My roomate made my day extra special yesterday. She set up an 80's dance party with the girls in our apartment complete with sweet lights and some good dancin' tunes. After this we hung out with some of our brothers on campus playing games and laughing lots...even a little dancing too! :) I felt blessed and loved on my birthday! 21 years of life have come and gone so quickly...bless the Lord for life and breath - for love, fellowship, joy, and provision.







DISCLAIMER: Katrina did my makeup and hair. :)

hair cut

This one's for you Mom!
So I got a hair cut...it was time for a change...BEFORE

AFTER...