thinking

Thinking is such a profound process.
It cleanses the mind.
It clouds the mind.
It complicates the mind.
It challenges the mind.
It creates within the mind.
It stretches the mind.
Ultimately, it exposes the thinker - oftentimes to themself.
It causes examination of both the inside and outside.
Thinking is kind've like...looking in a giant mirror.
You are offered a chance to observe, to examine.
The spots, the blemishes, the image reflected,
are all presented before the thinking mind.
Character, goals, mindsets, mantras, lifestyle,ambitions-
all sit before the thinker waiting to be explored.

Thinking changes things:
from seeing to understanding,
from understanding to knowing,
from knowing to being,
from being to resting,
from resting to adventuring...and on the journey goes.

I've been thinking a lot lately - about life, love, people, and purpose.
Thinking can be restless.
It can be consuming and absolutely torturous.
Thinking can be a battle, a war zone within the boundaries of one's mind,
and at the same time, thinking can be sweet, healing, and restorative.
It can be bizarre, elating, enjoyable, and refreshing.
Thinking can be humorous, imaginative, freeing, yet strange.
It can be rewarding, revealing, reflective, and constructive.

Thinking can erupt into sweet belly-aching laughter
or be flooded with tears of anguish, joy, repentance, or acceptance.
Thankfully, thinking isn't the whole picture...it calls for further action.
One may express their thinking, articulate their thinking, or even change their thinking...

In the end I believe this process of thinking offers us the chance to submit ourselves to the Potter; as weak, unfinished, and sometimes difficult clay, to be molded and sculpted according to His purpose and plan for our lives. One must not become lost in their thoughts, but must rather embrace the process of thinking as a chance to explore, change, and become.

Here's to a season of thinking...

burning away the chaff

I burned two years of my life today...
Last night I came across two notebooks packed with journaled thoughts from my senior year in highschool onward through my first semester at college. During this time I became completely enraptured in the idea of being loved and allowed myself to settle for what others deemed to be my life sentence or "blessing" as they put it. This lot in life framed most of my thoughts. If 'he' called it was a good day. If 'he' didn't call it was an okay day and my journal usually expressed some confidence in God's grace and leaning on his strength because this guy wasn't showing me much affection. What really made my insides turn was when I realized how clearly I had aligned my relationship with a man to that of my relationship with God. Now you may think - well that couldn't be all that bad, eh? aren't we supposed to carry ourselves in such a way that all our relationships reflect and come from the overflow of our relationships with Christ? Well yes, but...

Unfortunately, I had this backwards. I let my relationship with Christ flow from the remnants of my relationship with a man I was dating - after about a year and a half I started to disappear...more into my twisted theology of who Christ was and how He worked...what His voice sounded like - even though I probably only listened or assumed when it was saying something along the lines of what I was looking to hear.

My heart was disgusted with myself and my naivety. How could I so devote myself to the service and partnership of another that I somehow neglected my greatest Love? How sad it must have made the heart of Christ for me to be running aimlessly in a direction that was surely not going to work out. The warning signs were up - the red flags had been tossed - my journals noted such things - but I refused to listen. Somehow in my silly little world everything made sense. I wanted to be a wife - I wanted to be loved - so I put on a pair of glasses with gargantuen blinders that only allowed me to see that which was pointing toward those two goals as end results. Nothing was wrong as far as I knew - nothing at all. Minus of course an outside, reflective observation of my consuming attempts to mold Christ into a fitting mold for my purposes. HOW BACKWARDS! Should not I be the one being molded and fitted for His purposes? I selfishly ripped control of my life out of the hands of the King and somehow expected Him to abide by and provide for my ways. WOW! It makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

As I sifted through these writings my heart grew weary. "I'm sorry Lord. So sorry...how could I ever have...why did you save me from this...why didn't I listen sooner?" I felt a nudging inside of me: "Burn it! Cut the ties." So I slapped a big blue post-it note on two of my journals: "BURN ME" it said. I grabbed hold of my third spiral notebook...wondering how this one would fair. I began to turn the pages. Filled with question - frustration - reasoning - confusion - and the beginnings of awareness. I was starting to recognize - starting to see - starting to listen - starting to question. The process of surrender was laid out clearly in these pages. Yes it wavered between my selfish desire to make it work...but here I sit nearly two years later...cutting those final ties of fearing relationship. I cannot imagine ever becoming so consumed and caught up in it that I'd neglect my greatest Love - the one who knows me most and loves me best. I've been afraid for a long time of slipping back into that place - that 'cloud 9' place where life i hunkey-dorey as long as someone smiles and calls once in awhile - who cares that there is no real foundation for the relationship and that it's no fun to be around that person - when life with them is grand - life with God must be grand, right?WRONG!

Our relationship with Christ is to come first. Anything less than everything isn't good enough. We owe our whole selves to Christ for His purposes and plans. All our devotion, affection, time, worship, praise, and adoration should be focused and given to Him alone. No other lovers can compare. We should not depend on the status of a human relationship to depict the deepness or status of our relationship with Christ. 'In Christ alone...my hope is found...he is my light, my strength, my song-"

*So this morning I dug a makeshift firepit in the backyard. Clad in my pjs and with my sister in tow to support me- I brought that stack of selfishness - two years of journaling where my focus, my delight was a man - and Christ was the supplementary or bonus blessing...to the fire. With box of matches in hand, I crumpled them into balls. As I watched the pages burn away - turning into ashes of the past...covering them with the pure, white, cool snow of winter - the sun shone on my face and I knew this is a glorious day!

Father forgive me for those years of selfisness and naivety. Thank you for freeing me from that situation and for bringing greater healing to my heart as I grow nearer to You! The words of Misty Edwards speak clearly my hearts cry:
"I won't relent until you have it all - my heart is Yours..."

braced for colder winds

Does it ever feel like everything around you is somehow synchronizing and working efficiently together - happily, joyously- and someone forgot to slip you a post-it note so you know to join in?

Over the last month I've watched people pledge their undying love to one another and make plans to get married - promise rings have been purchased - life plans are made - people have new jobs - new friends - new lives - this weekend people are getting married - people are pregnant - all this change and strangeness, yet somehow I feel left out of the swirling, twirling and shifting all round' about me. Somehow I feel as though this is all some random sequence of silliness in some separate, secondary reality to what really is. After all, I feel so very much not a part of it...could it be reality?

A lot of shifting is beginning to take place in my life...
and selfishly I want answers...I want clarity...I want direction.
I just want life to make sense!
I just want to know and understand...but yet here I rest,
uncertain, without answer, directionless with a seemingly broken compass and no motivation to pull out the map.
My body grows weary in waiting, but I know the strength of my heart remains (for it is Him - He fails not - nothing can change that).
I guess I just want to understand what I am supposed to do with my life.
What does He have planned for me?
Where am I supposed to be this summer?
Everyone around me is falling in love, heading out into the real world, having babies, starting families. They all seem so secure, so blessed, so certain.
I feel alone.
I'm growing a little weary.
I have been tempted to wonder, "Am I failing in my womanhood?"
By not having these things the world deems appropriate and necessary to compliment/accentuate/and define the very essence of a woman - have I missed it?
What shall I do?
Lord help....be Thou my Vision.

inspiration

What inspires you?
What touches the very depths of your heart?
Is it new life? the passing of old?
What about triumph? trials? failure?
Perhaps success? romance? love and kindness?
What about breath? life? awakening each morning?

So much is set before us that may liven our hearts
yet so often we miss it.
We trudge our way through the dance of our day,
never once caring to lift our foot from it sorry place,
never once giggling and delighting in an unexpected twirl.
We moan and groan, complain, and hope for the next day,
while the present still remains.
Our hearts are walled in with schedules, agendas, meetings,
and selfish plans...we silence the laughter...
we silence the dance...we silence the silliness and freedom...
sometimes we silence the King.

I know I made it through my day,
What a bles-sed day it was...
but I'm far too tired to spend time now with You Lord, just because.
Priorities, priorities, where are your priorities?
Does the Word gather dust while your tv glimmers and shines?
Does the Word disappear along the shelf as your photos pollute its view?
Does your prayer time shorten and shorten on behalf of that ringing tone?
A text, a message, a call for sure...from that lovely one that you adore.

"My child, my child...why won't you hear me?
Come beloved, I long to meet with you.
Stop honoring me with your mouth - while your heart is far from me.
Stop going through the motions, you mean more than that to me.
I created you with purpose...not to make it or scrape by...
I created you for excellence - come beloved don't be shy.
My plans for you are good and great, if only you will hear.
Silence those silly idol distractions, set your eyes upon this prize.
I want your heart, your life, your everything - more than I want
your habits and rituals. Come, beloved, come! Let me be your inspiration!
Let me be your life!"