beautiful broken footsies

Two weeks ago I prayed for brokenness.
Almost two weeks ago (Thursday) I was running down the soccer field when my foot gave out on me. In an instant, a squish/pop/crackle/ick noise resounded all around me. I didn't claim it at first, I had to complete the play. Kicking the ball my foot flubbed (strange I thought to myself) - completing my stride I landed on my right foot. (OOEEEEKKKKKKKK! I think that gross noise was my foot.)

(ut oh, oh no, ut oh, on no I repeated under my breath the whole way off the field.)
No one took notice.
I hobbled away for help.
A friend came running and knew I was hurting.
I did not cry - I did not flinch.
My foot felt like mush and my heart was annoyed.
(Why now, huh? Why now? I'm SO SICk and tired of being sick! I just want to be healthy again!)

For the last three years of being at Bethany I've struggled with my health.
Sickness after injury, after sickness, after injury. It seems like the cycle never ends. It's weary, frustrating, and so full of praise and battle. God's breathed healing into my life many times and He's been more than faithful - and still I keep getting tested.

Two weeks ago was the beginning of my breaking point.
My feet have had a running tabulation of injuries, random ones over the last 2 years -- and one thing that resounds in my heart everytime is this: "how beautiful are the feet that bring the Good News"...
I'll tell you what, I don't feel like my feet are particularly beautiful when I can't walk on them, when they're swollen, bruised, blistered, beaten, weak, incapable of supporting me, stiff, or even broken.
Yet somehow...I feel like they're being prepared - being strengthened through this brokenness - being stretched through these periods of bruising.

I was in St. John last Thursday preparing to get my half-cast removed and a full cast secured on my once strong foot. (Another fun thing about these injuries is they rotate feet - nice, eh?)Waiting, waiting and waiting was followed by more waiting. It seemed like no one was willing to help me because I didn't have a hunk of cash to place in their hands. After skuddling around for over an hour with my insurance information - and making me 1 1/2 hours late for my appointment I was 20 minutes early to - I was signing paperwork to be seen by the doctor. Numerous apologies were being given - but in that hour of waiting I hit rock bottom.

I was broken at my core.
Hopeless almost - yet barely hanging on.
I knew there was Hope present - I was blinded to seeing it.
I knew there was Hope in the Healer - I was too weak to ask.
Yet as I crutched my way into the examination room - no wait necessary (to make up for the complications earlier) I sat on that table and thought - finally- I finally made it.

My friend prayed deep in her heart that this trip would not be in vain.
She prayed for Healing.
As they went to remove my half cast I started to help the guy unwrap the bandages - he looked me right in the eyes and said, "what are ya doing that for? let me cut it off, eh! You don't plan on keepin it for something do ya?"
I chuckled to myself, "No sir, I don't plan on keeping it...go for it."
The ties to this cast were severed and cut to bits.
I was able to wiggle my toes now - something I hadn't done in a week - and the purple tint and swelling had vanished from the time of our arrival.
The doctor decided I didn't need a cast because it would be a nuisance more than anything and that I should slowly work on applying weight and pressure to it.
I spent the next few days "weaning" off crutches.
It's hard for me to take it easy - but now I can walk with a bit of a hobble in my step.
There's still a significant amount of pain and soreness - yet I know my God is faithful. I can walk again. He picked me up in my brokenness and "set my feet to walking".

I've never cried so much - and wept in my life as I did during that week.
I've never felt more unable to express myself...
More incompetent - worthless- helpless- broken...

Praise God for stretching us...even the biggest, toughest muscles of all - like the heart! He is good!

a special kind of love

Love.
It's what we were created to do.
We were fashioned in love.
Created in love.
Molded together in love.
Growing in love.
Breathing in love.
Yet somehow, though it's all around us- not often does one find a special kind of love.
What sort of love am I raving about now, you might ask?

I had an accident this week.
An unfortunate accident at that.
Running down the soccer field, I took one perfect step that dealt me my fate.
The squishing, and strange pop I heard made my stomach churn.
Not sure of it's source, I kicked the ball - watching my foot flounder and landing, only to realize I couldn't bare weight on my foot at all.
"ut oh, that noise was my foot" I soon realized.
Too in shock to cry - the pain was deep and welling inside.
Thankfully, God sent friends to love me along the way - friends who gave up fun games and study time to sit at the ER with me.
So I truly believe I've seen this special kind of love in action A LOT these last few days. How you might ask? What is this special love?

It's the kind of love that carries you on its back up endless flights of stairs because you couldn't possibly manage to walk.
It's the kind of love that colors you pictures or sends a note just to say hey.
It's the kind of love that teaches you theology you'd never understand any other way.
It's the kind of love that smiles at you and says, "Hey pretty lady, can I take your crutch?"
It's the kind of love that winks at you just to let you know they're watching.
It's the kind of love that walks with you, talks with you, and stays the night just in case you need anything.
It's the kind of love that makes you laugh - lots - deep deep inside.
It's the kind of love that gives nicknames like "hop-a-long".
It's the kind of love that wipes your tears when you're too weak not to cry.
It's the kind of love that makes you see Jesus shining on someone's face!
It's the kind of love that reflects the King and His heart - the example of His love for us in action - friend to friend - one to another.

My heart has been blessed by this love and I hope only to love the same in return.

what I like about daffodils

they're yellow - bright - cheerful
they have a hollow tube-like stem
they resemble a star - or burst of yellow liveliness
they are some of the first signs of life in spring time
they represent new beginnings and fresh seasons

a friend picked me a flower today.
I love flowers.
it was a daffodil.
it was a rainy day.
the sun fought to show its brilliance at different times
a friend brought me a flower and it made me smile
my journey is "finishing" and a new is emerging here at BBC.
I cried as I clutched the daffodil in thought
the fragrance of spring now rested in my hand
What's next Lord, I dared to ask...
"rest beloved...I'm working my plan!"

fighting tears and laughter and smiles and such,
I remembered again how I love this friend much!

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want...
He leadeth me beside still waters...
and maketh me to lie down in green pastures...
he hast prepared for me a table in the presence of mine enemies...
I will fear no evil, for He is with me...
my cup overflows...
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me...
all the days of my life...
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord...forever!"

laughter and tears

There is something remarkably cleansing about laughing.
For example today - something struck me funny and I chuckled, then I got a laugh feeling in my tummy and chest I couldn't help and I kept laughing for a good five minutes- until I didn't even know what I was laughing about...but it was good, refreshing, hearty, and elating.

Lately that's all I do...laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry.
Sometimes if things are really crazy, both happen simultaneously.
Yet somehow in the midst of a lot of "stuff" going on...
I am constantly reminded that I serve a God who is worthy of worship.
Despite circumstances, in every season He is still God.
He is still loving, gracious, and He will withhold no good thing from those He loves.
This mode of thinking doesn't mean we always agree with God's definition of what is good for those He loves, but it is solid truth.

A lot of change is going on in my heart, mind, spirit, and relationships all around me.God has blessed me over the last few days to grieve with and love on several of His children. I sense a closeness with the Body of Christ, a clinging in desperation from some of my brothers and sisters like they're clutching to the side of a lifeboat and waiting to be pulled in. Some are tempted to let go and drown, others are fiercely kicking and screaming so much, they are complicating the process of bring pulled into the boat and others whom the scales have been removed from their eyes are fighting against the current and monstrous waves while trusting the arm on the other side will not fail them. They realize it's time to grab a hold by faith and get out of the tumultuous waves.

It's moments of realization and victory that I celebrate and rejoice in. My heart both weeps and joys in yet another heart released from the bondage of the sea. Perhaps the most obvious lesson and realization for me to gather from this process is just that - it is a process - sometimes a long one- and rarely is it easy - sometimes it is frustrating - sometimes it is annoying - sometimes it feels hardly worth it - it's a fight - it's a battle - it's a full out war...but it's worth it! The heart condition of our brothers and sisters is worth every bit of mental tiredness, bumps and bruises we acquire along the way. For we minister "not by might, nor by power, but by God's Spirit".

My heart longs to see God's people pursue Him with a holiness and righteousness that is pure, reckless, relentless, abandoned to Him alone. Lord have your way in our hearts! Move among us - call us to a place where all we have and need is You!