beautiful broken footsies

Two weeks ago I prayed for brokenness.
Almost two weeks ago (Thursday) I was running down the soccer field when my foot gave out on me. In an instant, a squish/pop/crackle/ick noise resounded all around me. I didn't claim it at first, I had to complete the play. Kicking the ball my foot flubbed (strange I thought to myself) - completing my stride I landed on my right foot. (OOEEEEKKKKKKKK! I think that gross noise was my foot.)

(ut oh, oh no, ut oh, on no I repeated under my breath the whole way off the field.)
No one took notice.
I hobbled away for help.
A friend came running and knew I was hurting.
I did not cry - I did not flinch.
My foot felt like mush and my heart was annoyed.
(Why now, huh? Why now? I'm SO SICk and tired of being sick! I just want to be healthy again!)

For the last three years of being at Bethany I've struggled with my health.
Sickness after injury, after sickness, after injury. It seems like the cycle never ends. It's weary, frustrating, and so full of praise and battle. God's breathed healing into my life many times and He's been more than faithful - and still I keep getting tested.

Two weeks ago was the beginning of my breaking point.
My feet have had a running tabulation of injuries, random ones over the last 2 years -- and one thing that resounds in my heart everytime is this: "how beautiful are the feet that bring the Good News"...
I'll tell you what, I don't feel like my feet are particularly beautiful when I can't walk on them, when they're swollen, bruised, blistered, beaten, weak, incapable of supporting me, stiff, or even broken.
Yet somehow...I feel like they're being prepared - being strengthened through this brokenness - being stretched through these periods of bruising.

I was in St. John last Thursday preparing to get my half-cast removed and a full cast secured on my once strong foot. (Another fun thing about these injuries is they rotate feet - nice, eh?)Waiting, waiting and waiting was followed by more waiting. It seemed like no one was willing to help me because I didn't have a hunk of cash to place in their hands. After skuddling around for over an hour with my insurance information - and making me 1 1/2 hours late for my appointment I was 20 minutes early to - I was signing paperwork to be seen by the doctor. Numerous apologies were being given - but in that hour of waiting I hit rock bottom.

I was broken at my core.
Hopeless almost - yet barely hanging on.
I knew there was Hope present - I was blinded to seeing it.
I knew there was Hope in the Healer - I was too weak to ask.
Yet as I crutched my way into the examination room - no wait necessary (to make up for the complications earlier) I sat on that table and thought - finally- I finally made it.

My friend prayed deep in her heart that this trip would not be in vain.
She prayed for Healing.
As they went to remove my half cast I started to help the guy unwrap the bandages - he looked me right in the eyes and said, "what are ya doing that for? let me cut it off, eh! You don't plan on keepin it for something do ya?"
I chuckled to myself, "No sir, I don't plan on keeping it...go for it."
The ties to this cast were severed and cut to bits.
I was able to wiggle my toes now - something I hadn't done in a week - and the purple tint and swelling had vanished from the time of our arrival.
The doctor decided I didn't need a cast because it would be a nuisance more than anything and that I should slowly work on applying weight and pressure to it.
I spent the next few days "weaning" off crutches.
It's hard for me to take it easy - but now I can walk with a bit of a hobble in my step.
There's still a significant amount of pain and soreness - yet I know my God is faithful. I can walk again. He picked me up in my brokenness and "set my feet to walking".

I've never cried so much - and wept in my life as I did during that week.
I've never felt more unable to express myself...
More incompetent - worthless- helpless- broken...

Praise God for stretching us...even the biggest, toughest muscles of all - like the heart! He is good!