living for 'the great' vs. 'the good that can work'

Sometimes in the midst of all our planning, devising, scheming, and perfection seeking - we forget to dream. We neglect opportunities to dance, laugh, smile, and sing - we forget to imagine and believe for the unknown, the unseen, the unexpected. How beautiful it is to live in anticipation of something great - how beautiful it is to live for the KINGDOM!

By the spring semester of my freshman year in college, I'd been in a serious relationship of two years...and though confusion clouded my mind - everyone around me seemed solid in their stance and opinion of what I should be doing, where I should be, and who I should be. Amidst my confusion, and lack of feelings, I willingly listened and settled. We'd talked about the present, we'd shared about the past (a little), and we'd dreamt of the future...or so I thought. The longer I remained in this relationship - the more I disappeared, and each day I struggled to figure out what was wrong with "me" and why everyone else was so happy about this when I was so numb, so trapped, so suffocated, so empty and unfulfilled. Something was missing - something had lost its spark - something was at the end of its rope.

It's a scary thing to know you've been with someone for 2 years and don't love them like everyone says you should. It's scary to receive advice that makes you feel more wrong and confused about not having feelings. It's scary to lose yourself in the shadow of someone else. It's scary to settle and to disappear - but more terrifying than all this, is to finally see yourself and who you've become - simply because you settled - and let someone other than God truly define you - You let someone else's dreams and plans take ahold of your heart and block out the plans you were truly PURPOSED for, and knit together with.

I was reminded this week of a tough life lesson I will never forget - and will always treasure. It's a lesson that has challenged me, humbled me, molded me, led me, and from time to time...annoyed me.

I'll never forget that crisp late-winter day as the bus rolled into the campus center parking lot. Luggage crew was busy unloading as everyone else waited patiently on the bus. We'd just finished up a 10 day Chorale tour - leading worship at various venues across the east coast. I'd spent the week prior to tour fasting and praying with my prayer-partner. Her dedication and support pushed me to press through and helped me peel the scales from my eyes that had previously blinded me to the choice I was facing ahead. As my turn approached to get off the bus, I saw him - and a sickening nausea flooded my stomach. The very sight of him made me want to run and throw up - but my stubbornness to nip this in the bud pushed me on. Grabbing my luggage, I avoided his usual greetings, and headed toward my dorm room. The familiar voice of a sister sounded across campus..."Christy!!!!!!!!" I turned around and saw my dear sister Amy. Dropping everything in my arms I ran to her and received a giant hug.

It hit me..."woah...this is definitely over." You don't date someone for two years and forget about them. You don't date someone for two years and feel sick to see them. I did...and I knew something had to change. In my time away I'd been reminded of who Christy is, and was challenged to DREAM again. I'd begun to hear God's voice clearly again, and my heart heard Him whispering that there was more, more, more...greater depths to explore with Him....great adventure awaiting.

Not sure how to handle this situation...I dropped to my knees and began to pray.
"Lord, yes or no! please help me! I don't know what to do." Silence.
"Lord, seriously, please...just show me what to do!" Silence.
"Okay Lord, all I want to know is am I making the right decision?" ---
"Christy you can have this and it'll be good, and it can work - OR you can have these things I've been showing you, and it can be great." "Well Lord, I want the great!" I stuttered. - "Then you know what to do..." Silence.

I followed through - ended the relationship within the hour and was flooded with a freedom I didn't know I was missing out on. I've grown up a lot in the last 3 1/2 years --- and it hasn't always been easy --- and though the waiting has been rough at times, and I've been tempted to go searching for something that can "work" just to satisfy my desires for what I think is great - God's never left me hanging or without. He always keeps His promises - and has been teaching and molding my heart in such a bizarre, gentle way, that I've come to recognize that living for the great isn't wrapped up in achievements, worldly wealth, or even my expectations of what it should look like - living for the great is giving up my right to selfishly chase my own ambitions - and to seek first the Kingdom of God. It's understanding and breathing the truth that I am His beloved - He is mine - and His plans for me are GOOD, and PURPOSED, they are anointed and blessed, timely, and GREAT - infinitely and exceedingly above and beyond what I could ever begin to ask or imagine.


This is how I want my life to be in all things - always....living for the GREAT, waiting on the Lord, and trusting Him that no matter what curves, bumps, and twists I'll encounter - He's right there holding my hand - and walking with me into the destiny He created for me - the great. I don't want something that is simply good and can work. I want ALL God has for me. It is the cry of my heart to know Him deeper every day. Since I made the choice to pursue 'the great' - I've been blessed, provided for, and blown away in ways I never imagined possible. I've seen places, made friends, and experienced God in ways I wouldn't have, if I chose my own way or settled for something 'good that could work'.

I delight in knowing without a shadow of doubt, that the World Race is another aspect of the greatness He promised me I'd encounter and be a part of years ago...Here's to another year of greatness and the unexpected!!!!! If you'd journey with me...it'd be an honor!