a lesson

I started reading Joshua in my secret time with the Lord and something about chapter 1:5 strikes at the very depths of my heart. In the final portion of the verse the NLT reads, " I will not fail you or abandon you."

As my life begins a new adventure...everything around me is changing.
As my mind mules over this verse I just feel like Lord reaching out His hand and resting it on my shoulders, lovingly looking into my eyes I feel as though He's saying, " Beloved I will not fail you. I will not abandon you."

I had a lovely lunch Saturday afternoon with my parents. They shared their hearts about the issues I've been faced with lately in my life and their desire to learn who I am becoming. They claimed they have recognized a change in me and though they've recognized it as good, they don't fully know me and I suppose for parents that is a scary revelation...your baby girl is all grown up and though you understand that, it takes a little while to learn about her. Distance can be a silly little thing and it has hindered my parents ability to witness first hand the changes in my life and process leading me to where I'm at right now.

My mom mentioned something at the table that really settled deep in my mind. She shared her observations of how I'd somehow become a timid, quiet, enclosed person and had basically been bogged down with the world. Sadly this "world" consisted of one very big deal relationship. People all around me spoke words declaring it as what was meant to be and the surety of it leading to marriage...and my heart closed down somewhere between the spring and summer of last year...however, believing something was terribly wrong with me as everyone around me plunged full force ahead, I pressed on as well. I found myself closing off, enrapturing myself in this relationship and losing myself. As my mom said, I disappeared...she basically lost her daughter...and had flags flashing up quite often about the situation. I had niavely, in my young 17-18 year old mind followed the philosophy of this older man that "time = feelings" and " if you act like you are feeling something, eventually you will." He was right in a sense...sometimes. I don't remember exactly when I stopped "feeling it", but in all honesty, it has been awhile.

Unfortunately, I relied on people, who, unlike the Lord, fail you. I never stepped back to question where I was at...what I was feeling. I just went with the flow, miserably at times, putting on a pretty face and feeling as though I'd let everyone down if I ended the situation. Then one day it hit me and I began to question, I began to pray with a fervency and deep need of direction. God enraptured me in His peace and love....he provided good Christian fellowship and once again came through with His promise to never fail me or abandon me. He stuck through with me and though he never spoke a yes or no, I asked for Him to speak through me and He brought his peace in ending the relationship.

Here I sit just over a month after ending a relationship I nearly lost my entire identity to...and I am resting in such peace. God has captured my heart in such a way, I can hardly begin to describe it in words. Every day is an adventure. His word is alive and real. My heart is at rest. A heaviness I have walked with for over a year now is gone.

As I walk forward and the days pass...this promise stirs my heart. "Beloved, I will not fail you, I will not abandon you." God is so good!