internship reflection (part 2)

Spiritually, it was not uncommon for me to experience warring between thoughts, mindsets, expectations, and even condemnation from various people in the church or family as I journeyed along these six months of discovering. I was left feeling broken and bare – yet free like never before. Laughter filled my belly with joy unspeakable, and a new set of lenses were placed on my eyes allowing me to see things in ways I never imagined possible. My discernment grew, and so did the heaviness and responsibility weighing on my heart. Working with many different people in Georgia exposed me to hurts, stories, and ideas I’d never classified as reality before. It motivated me to work even harder at bringing Light and Truth to darkened places.

Stretching became a daily practice in my life, and I don’t necessarily mean the physical, literal stretching of muscles before/after exercising. My living arrangements were in constant flux and my patience was tried on a variety of levels. I never realized prior to internship that I required or even had a personal bubble of space. Until the day that space was invaded, I was content – then I found it necessary to adjust and fight through the daily button pushers which attempted to distract or take away from the truly important matters at hand.

With this, I learned there are always multiple perspectives present in any given circumstance or happening – yet in our selfish, clouded lenses, we often struggle to see beyond ourselves. Many of us run for the mirror when something is wrong to give ourselves a little pep talk, when in reality, we’re missing what we truly should be reflecting on and learning from. God certainly adjusted my lenses throughout this experience, and gave me fresh sight.

As my heart was laid bare before the Lord – I found myself recklessly abandoned and dependent upon Christ in all aspects of my life. I began to recognize the passions of my heart – and that I, just as everyone else, have a unique heartbeat, designed for a specific, God honoring purpose. Life is an adventure – and the joy is in the journey. My adventure has just begun, and my heartbeat or passion is slowly but surely becoming more focused and aligned with that. As my heartbeat became more familiar to my ears, and more aligned with His, I began to see my prayer from a few years ago take root in my life, “to love until it hurts and to keep on loving”.

As I recognized I had been given this precious, unique, and purposeful heartbeat, I also recognized that at times it was probably going to hurt, and it does – and at times it was going to seem not worth it, but it always is – and at times I’d be tempted to give up, but the One who gives me breath, and a heartbeat gives me Life. Something quite profound to ponder is the idea that blood represents life. A heartbeat involves the pumping of blood to vital organs so life may be sustained. A heartbeat without the blood of life refuses to function and is completely useless, but one with this blood of life, offers a very useful and necessary contribution to the body.

The reality that Christ shed His blood for me, that I might have life in Him – that this heartbeat, or purpose in my life might take root, and pump essential nutrients, strength, and oxygen to the other vital organs of the body has blown me away. The heart is sort of like a leader and a servant amongst the organs. The heart both gives and receives freely, yet it always expends or serves with a lot of energy and work to accomplish its task. It is always on the go, even while it rests. The heart rests in action – and understands the necessity and life altering importance of the whole body resting.

My heartbeat is one of many in the body of Christ, yet it is uniquely designed. I am purposed to bring life to the nations of this world, to the other people groups who have never heard the name of Jesus. These new lenses or sight have made this purpose, this vision, even clearer. They have, or better yet, He has revolutionized the way I see, think, and feel about life!

I came into this journey assuming or better yet expecting a lot of things. I believe expectations are a good thing, and are highly necessary in motivating us through various seasons of life – but we must remain aware and cautious with these expectations. It is far too easy to allow expectations to become agendas, and when we live blindly by agendas, we miss the fullness and potential of the experience at hand. We often leave disappointed, and forget why we even began adventuring in the first place. Sometimes I found myself intentionally guarding against these expectations, so I would not naively face disappointment or even failure.

Despite these initial expectations, I left Georgia knowing two things for sure. First of all, I have a remarkable story that is worth telling, it needs to be told. Secondly, I am loved by God. All my expectations were shattered over the course of six months as I watched painful growing moment after painful growing moment move me, break me, and ultimately shape me.

I must clarify that these ‘painful growing moments’ were not a horrible thing, but rather were very necessary, beautiful, exposing, life-changing opportunities. When I put this together with something Mr. Dan Rodgerson said in Crisis Counseling, I am encouraged, “a crisis can either be a problem, or an opportunity”. I faced a lot of ‘crises’ while on my internship, but the more I viewed them as opportunities instead of problems, the greater my resiliency became.

God has given me a heartbeat for the nations, and to live my life doing anything else would be absurd and utterly tormenting. My religious mindsets and Pharisaic walls were torn down, piece by piece, blasted into unfixable pieces. My critical thoughts and judgments were consumed and replaced with LOVE and FREEDOM as the Holy Spirit gained ground and ultimate control in my life.

These crises I soon realized were oftentimes rooted in selfishness or pride – sometimes on my part, and sometimes on the part of those I was dealing with. Regardless of who these crises stemmed from, the Lord used these moments to grow me, to teach me, and to mold me. I found direction in the strangest places, amongst the strangest and most unlikely company – but that has truly been the beauty of this season – encountering the unknown and the unexpected in the most unthinkable conditions.

I realize now more than ever that I am a constant work being molded in the hands of the Potter, and regardless of where I’m at, He still loves me! I don’t reckon I can ever look at people, including myself the same. I realize during this season my heart has changed a lot – but mostly my eyes have been opened, my attitude softened, and my trust laid bare, tested, and affirmed in Him. As a result, a great work in my heart was able to take root and begin the beautiful, painful process of refining and rebuilding.