my awful attitude

It's amazing how sometimes as Christians, we think we're done with a certain issue or circumstance in our lives...until it pops up again, quite unresolved, with the need of deeper more careful resolution.

I thought I was finished with a certain part of my life and to be straighforward and quite honest, the attitude of my heart has gone quite sour toward a certain brother in Christ and I haven't the vaguest idea as to exactly why. All I know is that this evening my Mom called me out on this 'anger' of sorts that has been dwelling in me...and all it took was a few moments of quiet reflection to pin point something my heart has been musing on for awhile...I'm not finished resolving this circumstance...and God is in fact calling me to lay myself down, to cast aside my self pride, to be vulnerable with this person and to glorify God at all costs of myself. The Lord has caused me to realize I am not finished growing in this area of my life and for Him to release me to do things that I both desire in my heart and He's called me to do...order for Him to grow me...I need to let go. I need to deal with this attitude of my heart that has consumed my thoughts and behaviors.

The Scriptures tell us in Matthew 12:34,"out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Proverbs 23:7 states, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." WOW!! Right now that would mean I am essentially acting like an awful person, speaking awful things. It's a scary realization for sure. I have been very selfish and prideful, believing there was no real issue with my attitude at all and that my Mom was just misjudging my attitude. My mouth has not been speaking lately what I want in my heart to reflect, about a certain brother in Christ. A hatred of sorts and disgust really has wedged its way inside of me and I honestly don't know 100% how to deal with it.

I felt prompted to call this individual tonight after church, knowing inside I must first confess my attitude and behaviors, ask for his forgiveness, and somehow be honest about life I guess. I want to figure out what the Lord has in store for the both of us as brother and sister in Christ.

I want more than anything to grow in the Lord...and I know the Lord wants me to grow in Him...because of this I need to lay down this issue, freely of all self pride and let the Lord have His way in me, to cleanse me head to foot in this issue and to recognize that when in fact this issue is dealt with, my growing will never truly stop. I want to claim victory in this area of my life...to walk in freedom with a heart that spills and overflows with an abudance of things that glorify Christ.

I now await a response from this brother and I'm hoping his heart will be willing and open to talking...and listening really to me. I covet your prayers for strength and humility during this time. Also, please pray he returns my call and we are able to talk.

I'm quite thankful to have a conscience and a God who loves me enough to point out the junk in my life that can be only demolished by Him and replaced with things that honor Him.


I enjoyed the sunshine and time for thinking today...