tough to swallow

(Reflections from my internship journal last Tuesday)

When I first arrived at the rescue mission I arrived with the assumption that I would be dealing with younger women but have since discovered we mainly receive a broad range of middle-aged women. I assumed this was the typical standard despite the information I have learned along the course of my being involved with the rescue mission about domestic violence. Domestic violence does not discriminate in any way amongst social class, age, race, or income level. It can happen to anyone. Reflecting on my experience today at the mission, I realize the reality of that statement hit me hard – not necessarily even in the heart. I feel like I was punched in the throat with horrifying information I could hardly swallow.

I noticed we had a new lady with us and she appeared to be significantly younger than the other ladies. Her eyes were dark with a story she seemed unwilling to tell, but she was pleasant as the ladies introduced her to me. Her first question was regarding my age. “How old are you?” she inquired. “Oh, I’m 21.” I replied giggling a little. She seemed intrigued as she replied in a dull tone, “I’m 19.” When I put this together with my initial assumption, I could hardly speak, let alone swallow. My mind immediately wandered to a million possibilities and questions of how in the world this girl ever ended up in a mission as a result of domestic violence. Obviously considering the criteria for entrance into the facility – the situation must have been significant and bad for her to be admitted by a DFAX agency to come here in the first place.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do with myself at this point. I continued talking with the ladies as she retreated to her room – but I felt helpless, shocked, and emotionally overwhelmed. I guess the harsh reality of domestic violence really sunk in for me today. I have been broken for these women on numerous occasions, and every step of progress causes my heart to rejoice and celebrate, but something about her was different, chilling almost. I felt like it hit too close to home – someone my own age – someone on the brink of adulthood, hurting this badly and I couldn’t do a thing about it. This young lady has her whole life ahead of her, and already she has encountered devastation and demolition on the grounds of her heart she never deserved.

I later discovered a little more of her story – which made it all the more horrifying for me to process. Perhaps it was the way she spoke – with fear and annoyance of being at the mission or perhaps it was her expression of frustration and helplessness considering the situation she is currently in that hit me hard. After an evening session with Dr. Kemper I came to understand that she was raised in a home with two alcoholic parents. She left home when she was fourteen and got married to her boyfriend. She’s worked ever since then earning money and making her own way in this world without any adult supervision, support, or guidance.

Their marriage lasted two years, until he cheated on her at the age of sixteen. She explained that “things simply didn’t work out” so I got divorced just before I turned seventeen. As if this wasn’t enough to comprehend and swallow, she added to her story by sharing she has two kids whom she is currently battling for custody over. Her little boy is four, and her little girl is one. Apparently the father of her baby girl is her abuser, and after having her place for two years, she went to stay with him for awhile. He took it upon himself to abuse her several times. DFAX discovering the abuse then sent her to the rescue mission program.

Leaving the mission I spent a solid chunk of time in my Jeep just sitting, listening to worship music and weeping over the day. I was very thankful to attend House of Grace tonight to recharge a bit after such a draining, overwhelming day. I think considering all that took place today made me seriously question whether or not I am skilled enough to be a counselor. I know in my own strength – I am most certainly not – but I even questioned God as to why He would allow me to see things and experience things like this if I was going to feel so helpless in dealing with them. I guess this is where the truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9 comes in, “God’s grace is sufficient and in my WEAKNESS, His strength is made perfect”. None of this is about me, but it sure is being used to grow and stretch me, to refine my thinking, my vision, and perspective.

Loving until it hurts...and still loving. I'm still learning. Wow, what a journey!